The Stalag 13 Phone Scam
by Me
Summary: When pressed to complete 3 missions at once - one forced on them as Schultz discovers dozens of civilians in 3 railway cars that he asks Hogan to get - the Heroes invent a phone-y plot to kill Himmler


The Stalag 13 Phone Scam 

Hans Schultz stood in the doorway of the camp chapel at Stalag 13, an ordinary building like the other military buildings, except for a number of wodden pews which had been constructed by prisoners. Most German prisoner of war camps, like Stalag 13, housed such makeshift churches, though according to the head POW, Colonel Robert Hogan, it also housed the "escape committee." After some prodding, Schultz, the obese sergeant of the guard, had finally chosen to attend, telling their kommandant, Wilhelm Klink, that he would "try to ferret out escape plots." 

In reality, Hogan used the chapel to address new prisoners - if a large number arrived at once - or advise current ones on new strategies. These were not escape plans, however, but included warnings that there could be no escapes. Only Klink's perfect record of never having had an escape kept him in charge, and this was one of the keys to the success of Hogan's secret sabotage and rescue operation. As for why Schultz was there, the sergeant of the guard, who conveniently ignored all odd activity from Hogan, had recently had another brush with the Russian front, and had been rather troubled by it. Hogan, too, was troubled, for because of it, Schultz had been acting much more like a soldier than usual. 

A prisoner, William Thomas, who wished to become a minister after the war, ended his short sermon. "And so, when we read Christ suffered in all ways like us," the blond, bespectacled man concluded, "we see he didn't need to be married, or serve in the military like we do, to suffer. But, there were certainly things which were like that, and then some. Jesus Christ, God with us, was dirt poor. Our Lord was without a home, just as many of us are away from our loved ones. And in His humbled state He had wicked leaders - they're the ones who hounded Him like enemy fighters, who bullied Him like guards at other POW camps do to our comrades, who finally plotted to kill Him. Our Savior never compromised the Truth, though, even as His leaders spat on Him, beat Him, and nailed Him to an old rugged cross, so He could die for our sins, and rise again the third day, so we who are so unworthy could reach Heaven, where there will be no more tears, pain, or suffering, through all eternity, thanks to His glorious sacrifice," the man finished. Schultz began weeping, and soon, the obese guard found himself walking down the aisle. 

Thomas chatted with Schultz in front of the others. Hogan, even on a Sunday clad in his traditional brown bomber jacket and flyer's hat, with white t-shirt, chose to manuever down front as well. He didn't have much else in the way of clothing, except a dress military uniform, but neither did any of the other men. Hence, he didn't look out of the ordinary. 

"Ever since Burkhalter and Klink saw me sleeping in the prisoners' barracks several days ago," Hogan overheard Schultz whine, "then Hogan and his men made me out to be real tough so I wouldn't get sent to the Russian front, I have acted that way, but, I have felt so mean doing it." 

The head POW sighed as Schultz repented of his sins before God, asking Jesus Christ to be his Savior. Several times their own antics had nearly gotten Schultz sent to the Russian front - another way of saying almost certain death. This time, the obese guard had eaten too much, then chosen to lay down in the prisoners' barracks. He proceeded to sleep like a baby until General Burkhalter - Klink's superior - and Klink showed up unexpectedly. As 1943 wound down, it was more important than ever that the neutral guard remain a friend, for there were more chances than ever that they would be discovered. 

Suddenly, into the building stepped Kommandant Klink. Always trying - sometimes desparately - to impress the top brass in hopes of earning a promotion to general, he would never have been expected to be in the camp chapel. A black sergeant with a mustache, James Kinchloe, said "kommandant, what a surprise" in a very loud voice, to alert Hogan and Schultz. 

"Uh-oh, we got company," Hogan murmurred. "What are you doing here, kommandant?" 

"Hogan, I need to talk..." He suddenly noticed Schultz. "What are you doing down there?" 

"Thomas was just giving him secret info on some escapes..." began the colonel, trying to protect the sergeant whose ignorance protected them as much, if not more, than Klink's ineptness. 

Klink stared at the guard. Shaking a finger, Klink inquired "didn't you learn your lesson earlier about not fraternizing with prisoners?" 

"Well..." 

"You are lucky General Burkhalter is not here with me, he would not be so lenient!" Klink grumbled a little, recognizing that Schultz was, at best, mediocre. At his worst, he was totally incompetent. Why Hogan and his men feared this man was beyond Klink. The balding kommandant informed the sergeant that "the SS needs a couple dozen men to guard several large, top secret cars which were connected to the Berlin Express. They ran into massive roadblocks and a downed bridge a couple miltes from camp - take some of your men and get out there, there is an SS colonel who will provide directions." Schultz sighed and left. Thomas hadn't said it would be easy to work for Christ, he told himself, I guess now it's back to the old grind. Klink turned to Hogan. "I have more important things on my mind, though." 

"Such as?" Hogan was genuinely curious as to why Klink would come to him. His first guess was that Burkhalter's sister was in town once more. The ladies' man found it ironic that someone turned to him for advice in how to avoid a woman. Frau Linkmeyer was altogether ugly and impersonal, however, and even the vain Klink would never sink to marrying Frau Linkmeyer to become a general. 

Klink motioned Hogan over to a corner of the room "Hogan," remarked the kommandant, an uneasy look on his face, "you will never guess what has happened." 

Hogan smirked, unable to resist the opportunity to tease him. "You're in love with Burkhalter's sister?" 

Klink glared daggers at Hogan. "How dare you say that!? I'd rather be accused of plotting to kill the fuhrer." 

"Well, while you're at it, I sure wouldn't mind, and your country would thank you for it." Klink made a fist, and Hogan said "sorry, Sir, but you sure don't seem happy about it." No wonder Klink only lectured Schultz, Hogan considered, though I didn't think he'd get sent East too fast. Klink's leniency makes him the last person you'd expect to be a POW kommandant; some others are pretty ruthless. There has to be something on his mind. 

The kommandant explained. "Hogan, I know you occasionally address the entire group of prisoners here." Klink referred, of course, to meetings wherein Hogan would outline new procedures, such as when he informed them of new tunnels being dug and their proper uses, or where Hogan would ensure all the prisoners were on the same page, such as when newcomers began plotting escapes. Never invited for obvious reasons, the kommandant assumed they were mere pep rallies, and allowed them to continue, even though he sometimes bragged about his nation's victories. The idea was that prisoners happy about the war situation would feel less need to attempt an escape. It was antithetical to the way other kommandants acted, but they also witnessed many escapes, and Klink presumed that his very laid back approach thus worked much better than cowing prisoners mercilessly. 

Hogan nodded. "Sure, what's up? You want to surrender?" He chose to milk his teasing for all it was worth. 

"Hogan, I am not surrendering. Now, tell your men the SS wishes to use this camp for political prisoners' of some kind." 

Hogan wrinkled his nose. "Didn't they learn their lesson the last time, when we had twenty men escape and they couldn't find them?!" 

Klink shook his head. "This time is different. This time, the entire camp is moving. I received a memo yesterday afternoon from some SS genreal. They are in the area already, and a colonel from this fellow's headquarters has requested the help of our guards." 

Hogan frowned. Their basic tunnel system, while it could be reconstructed, had taken well over two months to complete, counting digging, supports, and lights. The complex, which resembled a subway tunnel, had been constructed with the work of several hundred men, aided greatly by Hogan's engineering background and that of several other prisoners, men who were actually members of the Army Corps of Engineers but who parachuted near there and became prisoners to assist in the operation. 

Of course, a new location, if it was in a totally different locale, would provide them with more Underground contacts - though Hammelburg had many more than its share, which greatly aided the Heroes - and with many new sabotage missions. The down side of having to close down for several months far outweighed any positives, however. 

Hogan elected to inquire "why here," then gather information on who issued the orders. Perhaps, he deduced, this person could be discredited. 

"For one thing, it is centrally located. By moving our camp altogether, they will allow the no escape' record to continue while still using the central location they desired that other time. They have no camps in this area, but have a great need of them, with the greater and greater activity of the Dutch and French Undergrounds. Plus, they plan to ferret out whatever Underground unit is operating in this area," Klink explained. 

Hogan pretended to be pleasantly surprised. "There's Underground in this area? I knew the Germans weren't all bad." He decided to butter up the kommandant a little. "Of course, you're one of the good guys." 

"Thank you, Hogan, I am glad you appreciate my fairness and decency. This is why I am telling you this now, so you can prepare your men." 

Not sounding too thrilled, Hogan muttered "gee thanks, Sir. I hate to leave our happy home." 

"Oh, Hogan, you are not leaving - think of it as moving to a new house." Yeah, Hogan thought to himself, but we can't take all the fixtures. 

*** 

Hogan returned drearily to Barracks 2. "Men," he said to Kinch, Andrew Carter, Peter Newkirk, and Louis LeBeau, his "first team," so to speak, "I hope you enjoyed blowing up that bridge last night, because we've got problems. BIG problems." 

"What, Gestapo lookin' at us again," Newkirk, an Englishman, inquired. 

"Can't be much worse than last time," Frenchman Louis LeBeau remarked. 

"Well, I'm afraid it can. The SS wants to move all of Stalag 13 and use this area as a camp for political prisoners." He bit his lip. "Old Klink's pretty set on this, so it must have happened awfully fast, and been a pretty firm order." Even if not, though, Klink's generally too weak to assert his own position, considered the man. 

"Last time, he and Schultz were going to be transferred," Kinch seemed to recall. "If he goes to the new place no wonder he doesn't mind. As long as he avoids combat." 

Carter inquired "is the new place near town?" 

"He didn't say where, but I for one plan on staying," insisted the colonel to improve morale. 

"Good. Cause, you know how I've been sneaking into town once a week for those swimming lessons?" The others nodded and looked at Carter as he explained. "Well, there's this one really cute girl there, and...I'd sorta like to ask her out." 

Teasing and turning to Newkirk, Hogan remarked "I can't believe our son wants to date a German. Can't he wait till he gets home?" 

"It's felt like ten times as long for me without lady friends," LeBeau noted, "because I'm French." 

Getting back to the matter at hand, Kinch addressed the issue of SS orders. "Who's approving this - any chance we can get some dirt on him, or make him out as a traitor?" Always very level-headed, the black sergeant was least likely to mess up among Hogan's underlings. He also possessed the best knowledge of how to run the operation, a necessity because he was in charge of the camp roster and assessing skills so duties such as tailoring, engineering, etc. could be allocated to newcomers. He also would be in charge of closing down if anything happened. 

"I don't know, I was going to see if one of you could get a look at the memo." Newkirk immediatley stood up and saluted. 

"Just leave it to my sticky fingers," joked the Englishman with a penchant for snatching things unknowingly. 

"And I suppose we'll leave Helga to you, too?" LeBeau referred to Klink's secretary, like Schultz an unwitting pawn in some of Hogan's plans, mostly as far as allowing the head POW to filch mail when she wasn't looking. 

"Well, naturally, it'll be in Klink's office, but I thought just maybe..." 

"Newkirk. There are plenty of ladies in Hammelburg," the colonel noted. 

Grinning, Carter suggested "maybe that cute chick I know has a sister." 

"Anyway," Hogan remarked, "Klink was going to the motor pool, so I can't ask him right now; probably checking out real estate." 

As Newkirk prepared to leave, Richard Baker, another black prisoner, stepped into the barracks with a quizzical look. "Schultz just left with a couple dozen guards in a truck at the same time as Klink, he and Klink went in different directions, though." 

Hogan nodded. "Okay, thanks, Baker, yeah, something about guarding top secret SS stuff." He poured himself some coffee and mulled over the possibilities. 

Newkirk had spent several minutes chatting amicably with Helga, then when her back was turned he snuck into Klink's office. Sorting through mail, he pondered the kommandant's safe, and chose to fiddle with it. He opened it very quickly, but found nothing of note except a copy of the Genevea Convention guide to humane treatment of prisoners, which looked to have been gathering dust since the original Convention in the 1860s. Newkirk closed the safe, then peeked at the kommandant's mail. He discovered the letter he wanted, then waited a couple more minutes. When the phone rang, he tip-toed out of Klink's office, like a cat sneaking across a floor. Helga distracted, he hoped he could simply leave and return to the barracks. Such would not be forthcoming, though. 

"Corporal," Helga spoke to him as he slithered past her desk. The expectant look provided the British subject some relief, as she didn't seem to be accusing him of anything. In fact, he chose to interpret it in a far different way than she meant the glance to appear. 

Sidling up to her, Newkirk commented "it's okay, love, I know you find me attractive. You an' me can have somethin' special, an' Hogan'll never have to know." He gazed lovingly into her bright blue eyes, seeing why Hogan often considered dating the lady after the war, if he were to be a member of the occupying forces. 

"Corporal," she whispered, accustomed to Klink being in his office and not wishing him to know of this call, "it's Sergeant Schultz." 

Newkirk laughed. "Come now, love, I know you can't prefer him over me, besides, the bloke's already happily married." 

Helga allowed a smile to emerge, but explained. "He is on the phone, and wants to speak to Colonel Hogan." She thought it odd, but considering her slight sympathies toward the Allies, aided by the fact Hogan owed her so many nylons and chocolates, led her to work in this case without Klink's knowledge. Besides, she knew Hogan had planned a birthday party for Klink before, and for all she knew, this could be another surprise party, though Schultz sounded more concerned than he would be planning a simple party. 

Schultz waited on the other end of the line. A little while before, he and the other guards had noticed three large, broken-down trucks with SS men standing around them, trucks separated from the rest of the Berlin Express for safety reasons. While Klink went out to scout a new location for Stalag 13, Schultz had taken the requested group of men to guard whatever was in those trucks. Why would these need guarded, he asked himself. 

Suddenly, as he marched around the back of one of the trucks, he noticed a piece of paper sticking out from under a door. He pulled it out and picked it up, reading the word "help" on it. His lips pursed as he concentrated, trying to determine how that got there. 

"What are you doing, Sergeant," inquired an SS sergeant loudly. 

"Oh, I was just...I was just..." He couldn't think of anything, until he glanced at the paper. "I was picking up some litter. One of your men must have dropped it." 

"What does it say?" Schultz showed it to him - it had been crumbled up in his hand. "Hmmm, it could have come..." He didn't think he was allowed to reveal the nature of their cargo, so he said "it may have come from a prisoner we were chasing a whlie back." 

Schultz nodded, then chose to be helpful, offering that "perhaps I should inspect the truck, just in case he is in there." 

"Oh, we captured him," remarked the man. 

Schultz took the keys from the SS sergeant, intent on proving himself a loyal German soldier just as Klink and Burkhalter expected him to be. Of course, the family man was anything but a soldier, considering this a job, not a profession. He knew it was important to impress his superiors, though. "Well, just in case, I am going to inspect it just to make sure there are no more." The SS sergeant knew Schultz technically outranked him, and so said nothing. 

As Schultz opened the door, a child of about eight hopped out and began running into the woods. The large number of people in the truck registering with Schultz's eyes but not with his brain, he turned to see several SS guards cocking their guns and aiming them at the child. Before he could think, Schultz had hollered "Halt! Hold your fire!" The entire SS suddenly seemed to be staring at him. All but one put down their guns. That one, the colonel in charge, cocked it and aimed before Schultz pushed the man's gun away, causing a shot to go off into the sky where it wouldn't hurt anyone. The obese sergeant, instinctively thinking of his own children, stated with some insistance "are you crazy, you could kill that boy!" 

The colonel seethed as he turned toward Schultz. His attention diverted, he was unable to see the boy any more. "You had better have a good explanation, Sergeant." Schultz shuddered at the thought that he had once again defied his leaders. Now I am sure to go to the Russian front, he thought to himself. That is, if I am lucky. 

"I...I...well," he stammered, the obese man trying to think of how Hogan would explain. 

"Well?!" 

Schultz was somewhat used to the strange ways in which Hogan operated, though he'd seen only hints of covert activity, such as recognizing the Heroes in German uniforms and in other compromising situations. That small experience with Hogan allowed him to utter hesitatingly that "I believe...he will lead me to..." How would he put this? Yes, Hogan would likely present the possibility of being led to something else, but what? An Underground group, perhaps? He spoke in a more interrogative tone. "He will lead me to their hideaway?" 

The colonel, intrigued by the possibility of capturing a whole Underground unit, accepted the implication. "Are you a loyal German?!" 

Schultz atood at attention and saluted, though he spoke with great apprehension. "Yah bol, Herr Colonel!" 

"Were you thinking of ferreting out an Underground unit?" Schultz whimpered and forced himself to nod. "Then you had better find it and him, fast! I am giving you one hour before I report you." The colonel looked at his watch, and Schultz took a Stalag 13 truck and drove toward Hammelburg, hoping the lad would turn up somewhere along the road. The colonel sent his own search teams into the woods. 

Helga having left to fetch Hogan, Newkirk listened intently as Schultz explained. "And that is when I opened the door and...and..." The number of people inside the truck suddenly dawned on the guard, and the crowd stunned him into silence as he stared straight ahead. 

"And what?" Newkirk understood from Schultz's description that he was in a back room at Fritz's grocery, a place the guard had recalled LeBeau dragging him sometimes to do very odd things. Near the edge of town, it provided an excellent place to exchange information with others in the Underground, though Schultz didn't understand this point. He'd come here just as much because when he was nervous, he ate - a lot! Newkirk didn't think Schultz would have seen Gestapo come in there, but he had no idea what the silence meant. 

"The number of people there...it was incredible. In just one truck there must have been..." He tried to count them in his mental picture. 

"Well, go on, what happened, and what has you so bloody nervous?" Newkirk sniffed some papers which contained a slight scent of Helga's perfume and sighed like a high schooler with a mad crush. 

"Well, there was this boy who squeezed out and started running into the woods. I told the guards not to shoot because they were all starting to aim their guns, and most of them obeyed because I outranked them, but then this colonel, he cocks his gun, so without thinking I push it away so he cannot fire, because in war, I like to see nothing, because then, I cannot get in trouble. However, when it comes to children, I cannot help but see them." 

Newkirk noticed Hogan coming into the outer office, and quickly handed him the phone. "Well, here's another fine mess Schultz has gotten us into," Newkirk spoke lowly as Helga sat back in her chair, "he told some SS officer not to fire on a helpless kid." He added that "Schultz is at Fritz's now." 

Hogan passed Newkirk a perplexed look, shook his head, handed Helga a couple chocolate bars as a "down payment," and uttered over the phone in an astounded and slightly annoyed voice: "Schultz, what's going on, and why did you call me at Klink's office?" 

"Because you were the one person I thought of who could help me, and also because you do not have a telephone in your barracks!" He paused for a moment. "Uh, you don't have a telephone, do you?" 

Hogan flailed a hand. He sat on Helga's desk and gave her a loving smile, thus calming himself. He told Helga to go look for the letter in Klink's office which Newkirk had just taken, figuring that would keep her busy for a moment or two before she reported that it was gone. She left, slightly puzzled as to why Hogan would need it. "Forget it. Look, whatever mess you've gotten into, I can't guarantee we're always going to be able to get you out. So, is this guy trying to send you to the Russian front now?" 

"No, but if I do not find the boy, who is in the woods somewhere, and the Underground unit which I said he was going to lead me to, in..." He paused to look at his watch. "...twenty-two minutes and eighteen seconds, he will report this." 

He's told him there's an Underground unit? Hoo boy, how do we handle that one? Hogan notioned for Newkirk to come over to him, and whispered in the corporal's ear. "Take LeBeau, Carter, and Olsen in a car, go out as SS, split up, and comb the woods for the kid, bring him in through the emergency tunnel." The colonel told Schultz "we'll find the boy for you." "Whatever you do, do not return him to me," insisted the sregeant. 

"But the man said..." 

"Please," Schultz whined insistently, "he is liable to be shot, and I will not let you do that." 

Hogan sighed. He knew Schultz was right. He'd hoped to have one of his men take the boy to the SS colonel later and insist on handling the boy himself to keep him away from the colonel. He might still do this, but he chose not to worry about explaining that right now. "Don't worry, we'll release the dogs after we've found him, and make like you ordered it, then..." 

The guard interrupted. "Colonel Hogan, please, I do not want you going to all this trouble for me first, there is something more important." 

Hogan raised his eyebrows. "What gives, we want to save you." Mostly so our operation can go on, since nobody would ignore us like Schultz, he reasoned, but he also liked the guard because of his neutrality, and didn't want to see him get in trouble. 

"Look, Colonel Hogan, there are a lot more people in those trucks the SS is guarding. I do not know how many are involved, but you need to come get them..." 

"Come get them?" Good grief, the head POW considered, I always thought he suspected we had a fair-sized oepration, and he's seen small parts of it, but maybe he's seen too much. He thinks I'm Superman. "Schultz, I can't just pull a rabbit out of my hat anytime a problem pops up. I'd like to be able to help, but..." What could he have seen there? Probably just the usual, families of suspected treasonous individuals being taken someplace. Perhaps, too, they would be taken someplace like what the SS wanted to turn Stalag 13 into; that is, the land which housed Stalag 13. However, as much as he wished he could save every member of the Underground, and every member's family, he knew he couldn't. It was a problem he'd forced himself to live with, though the first few months of their operation were agonizing for that reason. However, he'd learned to put that behind him, knowing he couldn't even help everyone in the Hammelburg area, much less in cities further than a few miles from them. These were likely people from further north and west - perhaps some from occupied Western Europe - that he never would have heard about had the bridge not blown up and the SS trucks on board the train not been halted. 

"Colonel Hogan, please," Schultz beseeched him, "I know you have done many unusual things which have been bad for the Germans. The SS wished to kill that boy. I could not go home and look at my wife and kids without having done something, and I know you do some very peculiar things. Why I remember one time when..." 

Hogan sighed as Schultz reminisced about a couple of the "peculiar things" he'd seen, which were only snippets of their whole operation. Just as Klink had relied on him to do a few things - getting rid of a ridiculously legalistic and tough sergeant, for instance, or getting into a safe deposit box after a key had been left - Schultz was now doing so. Whereas Klink turned to him as a fellow officer, Schultz was doing so because he had seen hints of the Heroes' operation. In that respect, he was more certain Hogan could assist him than Klink had been. 

Hogan decided he could help him a little. "Okay, they want the boy and an Underground unit," he inquired, still trying to ponder how to get these truckloads of people away from the SS. The guard agreed. More lowly than before, he said "fine, tell them there's something you spotted in the woods, but that the boy is still missing." 

"Colonel Hogan, you know where an Underground unit is? Where is it...wait a minute, do not tell me, I want to know nothing!" 

Hogan glanced around him. He still couldn't believe the situation. He'd impersonated Klink before, but now he was himself, an Allied POW in his kommandant's outer office, speaking on the phone with the sergeant of the guard, who was in town. This made very little sense. 

Hogan considered the possibilities. He knew Schultz would likely mess up details, anyway. Hence, telling him where to look was likely out of the question. However, he would send a couple men to plant evidence in the woods that an Underground unit had been there. "I'll find something, Schultz, just get back here to camp." 

"But, Colonel Hogan, I am supposed to be looking for the boy..." 

"No! Look, that SS man isn't likely to just try and report it to Klink, he'll probably report it to Hochstetter!" The obese man shuddered noticeably, and began whimpering. Fritz wandered into the store room to see what was wrong, hoping he'd done the right thing by letting the guard, whom he knew to be a "neutral," call the master spy. "You're safest here, so if he wants to take you in we can stall him." 

"I will leave right away," Schultz reported, and hung up the phone before Hogan could give any more instructions. The colonel sighed and shook his head. As Klink's secretary sauntered out of the kommandant's office, he decided it was just as well, he didn't know where he'd have sent her next. 

"I could not find it," reported the lady, then noticing the American's distressed demeanor. "Is something wrong, Colonel Hogan," Helga inquired. As he brooded, she decided not to inquire how many nylons he would produce as payment for her assistance. 

Hogan muttered under his breath "sometimes I wish I could escape" as he left the office. 

Hogan walked back into the barracks, hoping his men would be back with the boy quickly. Yes, others could impersonate Gestapo officers if need be and pretend to take Schultz in, but his best men were searching for the boy. Well, that is, his best men at impersonating Gestapo. Kinch was on the "first string," as he dubbed Kinch, Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau, but the black sergeant would never make a convincing Nazi. Similarly, Baker, who had worked his way close to first string, though he was really sort of in between the two, could not impersonate a Nazi, and was less skilled than Kinch. 

Hogan could use someone on the "second team," men such as Olsen, Thomas, and Billips, among others. They'd performed small duties in the past, such as impersonating Hitler's personal entourage on one occasion, when Carter entered the camp disguised as Hitler as a diversion. He would use them if he had to, such as if they needed to impersonate Gestapo agents here. However, since they lacked the training he didn't like depending on them; it was just like putting one's second string into a football game. You didn't pit them against the other side's first stringers simply because they weren't as good at your first stringers. Indeed, he'd convinced Schultz to impersonate Klink and get Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau away from the Gestapo once, rather than going with one of his own men. He'd only sent Olsen out with those three this time because he needed an extra if they went in groups of two. 

Suddenly, Kinch appeared from under the bunk to the left of the door, ascending from a staircase that led into their tunnel system. The bunk fell back into place as Kinch stepped out and handed Hogan a note. "Baker's watching for signs of the patrols, says it's a good thing we went out as SS, there's men roaming the woods now." Hogan sighed. "London sent a message, says we need to pick up an agent at the usual spot, code name Tin Man, with information on a secret rocket factory, they need us to blow it up pretty fast." 

This is getting ridiculous, pondered Hogan. "Another mission? We've got Schultz in troulbe, the SS trying to make us move the camp..." He paused a second and began thinking. 

Not knowing of Schultz's problems - the black man thought the boy was simply an SS prisoner who would be housed in the SS's "new" camp here - Kinch grinned and chuckled. "It could get worse - they say these things usually come in threes," he noted before deducing that the colonel was planning something. "Something on your mind?" 

"Yeah, that mission with Tin Man is the third." He explained what happened to Schultz. "I'm just thinking of a way to tie the SS to blowing up this secret plant." Kinch raised his eyebrows, but before he had time to ask anything, Schultz came running into their barracks. "Oh, hi, Schultz," the head POW spoke as it nothing were amiss. 

"Colonel Hogan, please, what are you going to do about the SS?" pleaded the guard. 

"We're going to plant evidence of an Underground unit," Hogan informed him, feeding him a little tidbit to keep him from asking any more, "but first I have to get my first string back here." "Your first...string." The guard was quite puzzled, and began searching for loose threads. "What kind of a string was it? Was it attached to your jacket?" 

Kinch laughed. "He means the first teamers." 

"Oh, you mean on the camp's American football team?" The guard was distinguishing the sport from soccer, which Europeans called football. 

"Something like that," concurred the colonel. 

"I did not ask what it was like, I asked what you were do-" Schultz glanced around, noting that three men who normally remained in the barracks weren't there...no, make that four. "Where are the others?" 

"I told you, they're first stringers, they're out finding that missing kid." 

Schultz looked puzzled. "Huh? But Carter tends to drop the ball when it is thrown or hit to him," complained the man, "I just cannot imagine he is first string on any of your teams." 

Kinch understood what Hogan was trying to say. "He didn't say they're first stringers on a sports team, they're first string on something else." 

"Actually," Hogan noted, "Olsen's second string, but he's good enough at finding someone else, as long as we don't use him..." 

Schultz held up his hands. "Please, do not tell me, I want to know nothing!" He backed out of the barracks, imploring them to "just tell me when they get back!" 

Hogan laughed as he began to explain his thinking to Kinch. "I don't know exactly how, but it involves getting the SS here..." A tiny rap was heard, signifying that someone wanted to come up into the barracks. Hogan pounded on the top bunk twice, and out popped LeBeau and Olsen, in normal clothing. "We found him, he'd been up a tree," LeBeau said, a little out of breath. "It was hard, because none of us spoke Dutch very well." 

"Dutch? So he's from the Netherlands?" 

"Oui. Carter knew the most from that mission you and he and Crittenden went on," LeBeau explained. "Carter and I convinced him we were going to protect him; we hid in the woods with him for a few minutes, then Newkirk and Olsen drew the attention of some others." The Frenchman paused. "Well, Newkirk did almost all the talking, of course. He and Carter are down there now, entertaining him with magic and bird calls and things." 

Hogan patted Olsen on the back, happy to be able to use a second stringer and have him work so well in a spot like that. It might be a month until Olsen would be used again for something more vital than just re-enforcing tunnels or printing phony memos, and he wanted to make sure the man knew he was appreciated. "Good work," he said. "Kinch..." 

The black man had already begun skimming a notepad stashed under his foot locker. "We've got only a couple fathers of kids that age, but about a dozen with younger ones," the sergeant reprted, reeling off some names. "They might be more helpful, since they won't speak the language and will have to entertain in other ways, and be more patient." Hogan nodded. He couldn't recall if there were any Dutchmen on the roster so he asked. Kinch flipped through a few more pages, arriving at a list which gave foreign languages spoken. The list contained two categories - those who took the language in school or knew it from elsewhere, and those who were from that nation. "A couple know a little Dutch because their families are from there. Not a lot of Dutch troops compared to other nationals in this war at all...nope, none here," Kinch reported. "Unless you'll take Pennsylvania Dutch." 

Hogan grinned. "It's worth a try, ask them, if you find one tell him there's a Dutch boy in the tunnels, have him stay with the kid. Otherwise, just have a couple of the fathers and the Dutch apeakers down there, and make sure the kid doesn't try to leave." Kinch nodded and left. 

LeBeau peeked over his shoulder from watching the window. "Hochstetter just pulled up," related the corporal. 

Hogan donned his cap. At the door, he informed the Frenchman of the plan. "It's going to be pretty wild here for a while, but I think I've got a few ideas. Have Kinch tell you about the mission London called us to do, and go out to meet him; radio him about the trucks, and see if he can find a way to get them hitched to another train. Tell Carter to make a call to Klink's office in about five minutes and impersonate a Nazi, talk about traitors in the SS, then get disconnected." It'll be a start, and a distraction if nothing else, the POW thought as he departed. 

Hochstetter and the SS colonel stormed into Klink's office. Helga followed him into the kommandant's office and said "I am sorry, Major, he is out of the office." 

Hochstetter turned. "That does not matter," he said in a huff, "get me Sergeant Schultz." 

"Yawohl, Herr Major," she replied dutifully, leaving to fetch the man. 

Hochstetter turned to the colonel. "Thank you for reporting so promptly, Colonel Hauptman," he spoke to the graying man with a slight bald spot, who stood almost a whole head taller than the major. "There has been all sorts of suspicious activity around Stalag 13 for many months, it is about time someone came up with something concrete." 

"Really, Herr Major?" The colonel was intrigued. 

Taking off his gloves and rubbing them, Hochstetter informed him of several odd happenings. "There have been many things blown up, traitors disappearing, and other instances with no real explanation being offered. I suspect that our investigation may reveal that you have uncovered the tip of the iceberg." 

Colonel Hauptman was delighted to have become part of such an investigation. "That is excellent," he began as Hogan entered the room. "What do you propose we do..." Glancing at Hogan, the SS colonel hastily inquired "Hochstetter, what is this man doing here?" 

Sounding offended, Hogan pointed at Hochstetter, happy to befuddle the Nazis a little. "That's his line!" 

Hochstetter growled and stared at Hogan. "Get out, I will deal with you later!" 

"Well, I just came to see if the kommandant was in..." 

"Get out," asserted Hauptman, "you are not allowed to barge into the kommandant's office." 

Hogan smiled as he baited a word trap. "You mean he's not in?" 

"No!" both men insisted. 

"Oh, then you mean he is in," the American joked, walking further into the office. 

The major couldn't believe he'd fallen for that. "As you see, Colonel, this man is diabolocal. I am convinced that he is the most dangerous man in all of Germany." 

"He is for your end, Major," noted Hauptman, "I have things to clear up on my..." Suddenly Schultz wakled in with Helga, who quickly left. 

Much more confident with Hogan there with him, something which he'd requested when Helga went to get him, the sergeant saluted. "You sent for me?" 

Hochstetter gritted his teeth and seethed at Schultz. "Will you tell me what you were doing preventing an SS colonel from doing his duty by killing traitors," hollered Hochstetter. 

Schultz stood rather confidently, considering Baker's comment that the Lord may be trying to test his new faith. The guard commented that "I prevented him from killing no traitors, only a small boy." 

"The families of traators are considered traitors," exclaimed the SS man. Hogan stood around, waiting for the appropriate - or, more precisely, the most inappropriate - time to jump into the conversation. "Anyone who prevents that could be considered treasonous themselves." 

Hochstetter added to Schultz's worries by staring at him and rubbing his gloves. With furrowed brow he issued this scathing threat. "I have always wondered about this place, and this will give me an opportunity to conduct a most rigorous investigation of the strange goings-on here. I am sure that obstructing official SS business will be only the first activity against the Riech which is dragged out of the people in this camp." 

******* 

Chapter Two 

Hogan decided now was a good time to intervene, but before he could, Schultz - shuddering and whmpering - stuttered: "I...I...I did not mean..." Finally, he decided he should try to sound like he was doing something he knew was expected. "I mean...I was just following orders." What am I saying, Schultz thought to himself. Well, the Lord would say to preserve life like that, so in a way, I was following orders. 

"Whose orders; Klink's orders?!" The major's face was purple, though if Schultz said "yes" he would be most pleased that the bungling Klink could be implicated, too. 

Before Schultz could invent something with which to dig a larger hole, Hogan interceded. "First of all, Major, you haven't introduced your friend." 

"The Gestapo has no friends," hollered Hochstetter. 

"Well, okay, but it's still common courtesy..." 

Now seething almost as much as the major, though he hid it better, the colonel gazed at Hogan. "The Major does not have to introduce any German to any prisoner." 

"Why not," challenged Hogan. 

Hauptman's anger slowly boiled, unlike Hochstetter's, whose rages rarely involved more than words but who began shouting rather quickly. Testily, he tried to control his temper, and merely recited a rule. "There must be no fraternizing with the enemy." 

"Oh," Hogan remarked, hoping he'd distracted them from Schultz. 

The obese guard once again made his presence known, however. Had someone been there to dismiss him, he would have gladly left, but nobody had, so he felt compelled to remain. Thus, he spouted this idea. "Perhaps, Colonel Hogan, you should introduce yourself first." 

"Be quiet," hollered Hochstetter, "and answer my question," as Hogan wished he could come up with a way to get Schultz - now quite puzzled and frazzled - out of Klink's office. 

Instead, the head POW chose to offer his hand. He normally didn't shake hands with the enemy, but he knew the SS man would refuse to take it, so this offer was not a problem. "Robert Hogan, senior P.O.W. officer." After a second he withdrew the hand. "You just have no manners," he muttered just loud enough for them to hear. 

Trying desparately to control himself, Hauptman turned to Hochstetter. Had he brought along some of his own men, he could have tried to get Hogan dragged out himself. However, they'd come originally with only one purpose - to interrogate Schultz. Hence, none of their men were there, and in the kommandant's absence, he could only inquire of the man who seemed most knowledgeable about the camp. "What is this man doing here," he complained. 

Hogan pretended to be incensed. "Mister..." 

"It's Colonel to you." His fists clenched, Hauptman's self-control seemed to be weakening. 

"Colonel, I must protest, you keep stealing his line!" 

Hauptman, his bottled up rage almost ready to explode, turned to Hogan. "I have no idea what you are talking about, and I do not care!" 

Now, to reel him in, thought the head POW. "Careful, Sir, you're fraternizing with me." Schultz, still nervous, managed a smirk. 

Hauptman pounded the air and screamed in Hogan's face. "I AM NOT FRATERNIZING! Does this look like I am being friendly?!?!" Grabbing Klink's old fashioned helmet from his desk and throwing it on the ground, then stomping around and screaming like a maniac, Mt. Hauptman erupted. In the middle of Hauptman's ranting and raving, Klink walked into his office, his merry look quickly replaced by one of astonishment at the grown man throwing a temper tantrum, kicking the desk, pounding the air, and knocking Klink's cigars around the room. Klink held a hand to his paling face as Hauptman bellowed. "Fraternizing involves being friendly, I am not being friendly, I am not telling you my name, I am not doing anything to further our relationship! I do not care who you are, and I do not want anything to do with you, is that understood?! We are never going to build any kind of fraternal bond, never, I will not permit it! I will not allow you to say that I am fraternizing, because I have nothing to say to you!!!" Hauptman, not knowing Klink and not being in the mood to put two and two together to assume he was the kommandant, hollered "who are you and what are you doing here" at Klink. 

Klink, for his part, stared at the purple-faced SS man, deemed him a madman, and offered a startled and slightly frightened question to anybody. "What is this man doing here?" 

Hogan stepped forward in protest and glanced back at Klink. "Now you're dong it, will you guys stop saying that and let Hochstetter say it for once!?" 

"Say what," Hochstetter and Hauptman yelled at once. 

Pointing at Schultz, thinking it might get them to send Schultz out of the room, Hogan exclaimed "what is this man doing here!" Schultz shot Hogan a thoroughly bewildered glance. 

"He was here for questioning," exclaimed Hochstetter, who suddenly glared at Klink, "except he said he was just following orders - yours, perhaps." 

"What are you talking about, Major?" Klink looked at his prized helmet. "And what is this diong on the floor? And my cigars strewn across the room?" 

Hogan spoke, wondering if Klink would accept the suggestion. At times like this he wished Klink were more forceful, as a more forceful man would act. "This man threw it on the ground." He pointed at Hauptman. "You saw his tantrum, I'm sure you've reached the same conclusion, he's an escapee from the Hammelburg Mental Hospital, and you're going to call out the guards to come get him." 

Hauptman stepped right into Hogan's face. "Are you implying that I am insane?!" 

Hogan snickered. "Careful, Sir, you're fraternizing again." 

"Stop calling this fraternizing," Hauptman insisted, his voice now gaining an annoying high pitch as he stomped his foot. Trying to calm himself, he looked ready to bite the head off of anyone. Suddenly the direct line to Klink's office rang, and the kommandant picked it up. 

Carter, on the other end in the tunnel, proceded to sound his normal bombastic self - that is, the normal bombastic self he became when impersonating Nazis. "Is there some fool SS man on the line," came the incensed voice. 

Klink acknowledged that someone was there in an SS uniform, and quickly handed Hauptman the phone. Hauptman, still steaming, snatched the receiver and bellowed "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" in an enormously loud voice. 

Though he hadn't planned it, Carter considered that he could use that anger to his advantage. He loved playing these roles; his main problem was overplaying, as he was about to do. Newkirk and Kinch stood by to stop him. Hauptman heard Carter impersonate the Reichfuhrer and utter "is that any way to greet your Reichfuhrer, Heinrich Himmler." 

Hauptman stepped gingerly to Klink's chair, as if any hard steps would snap his limbs in two. He began to feel sweaty. He was so angry at those in that room, and now so nervous at having lashed out at Himmler, he'd failed to notice the difference in voice between Carter's Himmler and the real thing. "I...I am sorry, Herr Himmler." Himmler? Hogan thought to himself. Carter's really overreaching with this one. As for Schultz, he strongly suspected that Hogan was up to something, though he couldn't tell what. 

Carter accounted for the difference in voice by flamboyantly confiding a problem. "There are traitors in the SS who you are ignoring, in the Gestapo which you are not paying attention to, they are out to destroy the very foundation of the Third Reich, and you stand by and do nothing!" Hauptman cleared his throat and loosened his uniform, which felt suddenly quite tight at the neck. "Get those prisoners who were on the Berlin Express to a safe place, like Stalag 13, for it will not be long before...Mmmpf." Newkirk held his hand over Carter's mouth as he struggled while Kinch uttered a final "Sorry abut that" in a very good German voice. 

Hauptman heard the phone click. He stood up slowly, staring blankly ahead. His strength sapped from his previous ravings, he could only mutter "that was Himmler...I think he has been...kidnapped." In the circus which followed, Hogan thought he just might have come up with a way to get those SS guards away from the trucks. 

"Do not be ridiculous," Hochstetter exclaimed, "Himmler could not have been kidnapped." 

"I heard it," came the SS man, still staring blankly. "Himmler is in charge of the SS and the Gestapo. He was screaming something about traitors in each group, which he knew about, then suddenly, a clap, and muffled shouts, like someone had put their hand over his mouth." The gaze reminded Klink a little of the distant gaze of some insane people, causing him to consider calling the mental institutions in the area. Had he been more strong to challenge those who were in Gestapo or SS uniforms, he would have. 

"What, that is utter nonsense, Himmler could not have been kidnapped," Hochstetter remarked, picking up Klink's phone and dialing. The line, of course, was still connected to the tunnel, meaning the Heroes' phone rang. Carter was no longer at the mike. Kinch was, and when he answered, using a German voice, it was the same voice he'd used to say "sorry about that." The major spoke. "Yah, Major Wolfgang Hochstetter, presently at LuftStalag 13, I would like to speak to Herr Himmler, please." 

Kinch knew the portion of Hogan's plan dealing with getting the trucks with the people into camp. He also knew Hogan said nothing about Himmler. However, he possessed good improviation skills, skills which would be mandatory during a quick shudown of the operation. While not as sharp or cunning as Hogan - who was? - Kinch could reap benefits from the unusual situations which presented themselves. 

This was one of them. He knew Carter would have spoken to Hauptman. Hochstetter would likely be calling to double-check something odd. Whlie he didn't know what that oddity would be, he knew what the stifling of Carter/Himmler sounded like. Therefore, he chose to imply that something had happened to Himmler, while carrying through with the first part of the plan. To Hochstetter, Kinch averred that "Herr Himmler is presently incapacitated. Allowing him access to the phone would be...risky to us." He could just imagine the major's face. 

Risky, Hochstetter thought, trying to place the voice. He was almost certain he'd never heard it. How could allowing him access be risky? Unless...no, he thought, impossible. Surely I would have heard...or would I, being away from Berlin for a while? 

Kinch continued. "It is advised that you not be concerned about Himmler - he is resting peacefully." Hochstetter shuddered at the term which sometimes was a euphemism for death. "I would not want you to worry, for instance, about the people in your trucks out there near Hammelburg." Getting more menacing, Kinch remarked "we shall take them off your hands shortly." 

Hochstetter, now noticeably sweating, whispered "yes, I am sure you will." He'd begun to consider that perhaps Himmler was in at least some peril, though he didn't know for sure if Himmler had been kidnapped. After all, he'd dialed the Reichfuhrer's office. He knew he had the right number. 

"We would not want you to take them someplace like, say, a prison camp. Especially not Stalag 13." Boy, I love this part of the job, the mustached man mused, grinning broadly. 

"No, no, not Stalag 13..." Hogan felt sure that someone - probably Kinch - was talking the major into things quite nicely. 

"It is way too secure. They know of us, and are very capable of stopping us. And, let me tell you, once we have swarmed over those trucks and taken those people, you will know we cannot be stopped." Kinch wasn't sure how much more to say - he was wary of overdoing it. However, he felt a little more could be added safely. 

No more would be, though, at least not right now. Hochstetter nodded and thanked the man, saying "Heil Hitler." When the voice on the other end refused to return the "Heil," simply said "goodbye, Major" in German, he became more nervous. Gulping, he breathed deeply and stood. 

"You heard it, too," Hauptman inquired. 

The tense silence was broken by Klink, who inquired "what is going on? And who is this colonel?" 

Hochstetter didn't answer. He simply turned to the SS colonel and nodded. "I believe what we must do is quite obvious." 

"Rescue Himmler?" Klink's query contained more than a hint that he was guessing. 

Hauptman continued to ignore Klink. "I agree, the prisoners must be moved to Stalag 13 to protect them from these forces which are holding Herr Himmler; then we must look into all top secret Underground groups to see who might be behind this. Where is the kommandant?" 

"I am the kommandant," whined Klink. 

"Then why have you not acted like it," Hauptman inquired, "such as by keeping your prisoners out of your office?" 

"Not right now you are not the kommandant," Hochstetter remarked, still a little hestitant to believe Himmler could be kidnapped. "I am taking over and launching a thorough investigation into the goings-on here, beginning with Schultz's prevention of the shooting of an escapee." 

"We have more serious problems, Major," Hauptman insisted. "Herr Himmler has been kidnapped." 

"You may handle that end more closely than I shall," replied the major. "I will launch a similar investigation into who might be holding Herr Himmler, but I am not..." How did he put this without sounding foolish to a superior officer? "I believe my first priority must be getting those prisoners into camp and guarding them. Then, my main focus will be getting to the bottom..." 

Hogan offered the explanation he'd planned on offering in the beginning, but which he'd never had the opportunity to present. He pointed to Hauptman. "You know, Major, I don't know...I suspect maybe this fellow is really in league with the Allies..." 

"With who," Hauptman inquired. 

"We're the good guys," remarked Hogan. 

"How dare you insinuate a thing like that," exploded Hauptman, as Schultz considered that Hogan may be preparing to start the whole chain of silliness all over again. 

He was not, however. He merely intimated that Hauptman was unstable. "Sure sounds right to me, Major. The man keeps stealing your line, and he never would tell me his real name." Hogan left the office, Klink rubbing his chin and watching with great bemusement as the American waltzed out the door. 

The kommandant turned back to Hauptman. He asked the SS colonel "Just who are you?" 

Seething inside, the SS man stated "I am Colonel Kurt Hauptman, SS. Who are you?" 

Schultz considered the humor of the situation, still standing in the office. And to think I used to spend quiet Sunday afternoons with my children playing simple games, he said to himself. This almost makes me wish I'd taken my wife to more plays; at least more comedies. 

Hochstetter invervened. "That is Wilhelm Klink, he used to be the Kommandant here..." 

Hogan stepped back in again, having listened outside the door, unbeknownst to them. "Oh, Kommandant, I almost forgot, I d stopped in to see you..." 

Hauptman chose to scream at the major, since he'd announced he was taking over. "If you have taken over, then what is this man doing here, Hochstetter?" 

Hogan turned to Klink, who looked extremely befuddled. "There he goes again, kommantdant, he keeps stealing Hochstetter's line." 

"Hogan, get out...what did you mean by used to be the kommandant,' Major," inquired Klink, a little nervous. 

"I am taking over and looking into all that has happened here," stormed the major. 

Hogan decided to turn the tables on Hauptman, whose name he now knew. "Are you going to let him do that, Colonel Hauptman, this is your case!" 

Hauptman almost responded, then caught what Hogan was doing. "I am not falling for this," he declared, addressing Klink, "he will accuse me of fraternizing. I am going out with the major to bring the trucks with the prisoners into camp. Then, I will be back," declared Hauptman. This was fine with the American, who could always try and coerce Hauptman to pull rank later. However, it showed that Hauptman, unless someone got him really mad, likely wouldn't fall for some of Hogan's wiles. He didn't expect Hauptman to fall for all of them, but he hoped he could be duped at some point. If he couldn't, Hogan might have a difficult decision to make. 

Klink asserted a little authority. "Hochstetter, I have no clue what you are talking about," he remarked, "but I do know that I am a colonel, and so you cannot..." 

"Bah, I am Gestapo, I outrank anyone." 

Schultz spoke. "Even the fuhrer?" Now he's taking my line, Hogan thought, amused.. 

The major glared daggers into Schultz, then Klink. Not wishing to get as enraged as Hauptman had, he simply stomped out ofthe room. "Bah, wait until I am through dealing with all of you," he exploded, slamming the door behind him. 

Klink's face pleaded for answers. He sank into his chair, and muttered "I was only gone about ninety minutes," murmured the monocled man. To Hogan and Schultz, he inquired "what could have happened in that time?" 

"Well..." The sergeant was speechless. "I wish I could tell you." 

"Hogan?" 

The man shrugged. "Don't look at me." Klink dismissed both men, and sought to evaluate the odd behavior of Hauptman and antics of Hochstetter. So much weirdness had occurred, he'd forgotten about Himmler. 

Hogan walked into Barracks 2 with an introspective demeanor. "How'd it go, Colonel," Kinch inquired. Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau sat around a table playing cards, and Hogan stood by the bunk connected to the tunnel. "Got a couple guys down there now playing with the kid, by the way," the sergeant resumed. 

"Good," Hogan remarked, glancing at Carter. "Himmler?" 

Carter understood the one-word question as a series of queries. He chose to answer all at once. "Sorry, Sir, I...guess I got a little carried away." The man had impersonated Hitler several times, and was accustomed to participating in - or even suggesting - really wild schemes. 

Hogan accepted the penitent reaction. "Okay, and I didn't give you a lot to go on," he agreed, always willing to admit his own shortcomings, a part of making their unit more like a family than a military unit. "On the other hand," he remarked, "it did help in one way." 

"What's that, Colonel?" LeBeau spoke, and pronounced the "l" in "colonel," as he always did. 

"I'm not quite sure," Hogan readily admitted, "but it involves drawing the SS and Gestapo away from the dual problem I thought we might have - and we still could." He walked over to a stool and sat, motinoing for his men to gather around, which they did. 

Kinch thought he comprehended. "The one with which one to choose from, if we have to choose Klink or Schultz, if we have to let the SS finger one of them for treason." 

Hogan pointed a finger and exclaimed "right! I had hoped to make this Hauptman look like the one who was going to betray the Reich, but I didn't know how." 

"Now you know how," Kinch presumed, "but you need details." Hogan nodded. 

"Well, how's that, Colonel?" The voice was Carter's. 

"When Newkirk pulled you away or something..." 

"I had to put my hand over his ruddy mouth," Newkirk proclaimed. "He just wouldn't stop talkin', after all the hand motions I was givin' im." 

"Well, that was good. You see, they heard the muffled shouts, and then Kinch came on and said...must have been quite something, whatever it was." 

"Just doing my job and letting the Spirit guide me," uttered the humble man. 

"Well, they're pretty convinced Himmler's been kidnapped. Or, at least is close to it. Now, I don't anticipate they'll call there again, they're too busy, but monitor Klink's phones, just in case." Hogan asked Baker to watch the door. "Now, whether they keep the people in trucks or put them in a building, I want something built which will cause the guards to go from that series of trucks to whatever we put up." 

"What we put up," exclaimed the Frenchman. 

"What do you think, we got a bloody construction crew in this camp," wondered the Englishman. 

Carter couldn't believe their responses. "Hey, for your information, it's not uncommon back home in Muncie for people to get together and put up an entire barn in a day." 

Hogan smiled. While he'd never seen anything like that, he knew from other country kids that such things happened regularly. "Bingo. What farmers do we have, Kinch?" The sergeant grabbed the roster and scanned it. 

"What do we need a barn for," LeBeau inquired. 

As Kinch counted names, Carter suggested "maybe so we can grow our own crops; it does seem like a lot of stuff gets skimmed out of those Red Cross packages." 

"It's not what the building is that's important," the colonel noted, a twinkle in his eye, "it's who's in it." 

"Who's that," Newkirk wanted to know. 

"Himmler," answered Hogan. 

Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau each uttered "Himmler" quite loudly. 

"That's right, Himmler. So we can give them someone more important to guard," came the head POW. 

"Aw, now wait, Sir," Newkirk posited, "we've fooled old Klink into thinking Andrew here was Hitler a couple times. We've fooled people into thinking Goering was here, but we've never fooled the Gestapo or the SS with those kinds of things." 

"What do you mean," the Frenchman shouted, "when we were in Paris we convinced an entire Gestapo headquarters an imposter was really Himmler." 

"You told me he was a bloody professional actor," retorted Newkirk. 

"Okay, okay," came Hogan as he held up his hands, "now I'll admit this is going to take some doing. But the object is that at the end, Hochstetter knows Himmler wasn't kidnapped and thinks Klink and Schultz would have been the heroes, and that Hauptman is the traitor." 

Even Kinch, usually quite confident, was nonplussed. "How do you plan on that, with all those guards, isn't someone bound to see something before it's time?" 

"I don't quite know how, but details have seldom been a problem, have they, guys?" They shook their heads hesitatingly. "Come on, we're the ones who unbuilt and rebuilt a Tiger tank, we've convinced a general he'd been taken to England, we can do this, too." 

LeBeau nodded. "Perhaps, but just in case, I've thought about it, and I'd definitely keep Klink over Schultz." He explained. "Another guard won't eat all the food and leave nothing for us, and besides, we've got dupes here, it might not take us six months to train a new one." 

"But it did take us six months just to train Schultz," Kinch noted, "and he was already a little dubious about the war. Klink's able to be duped, but that only goes so far. If he knew what Schultz knows, we'd all be dead by now. And you can't guarantee another dupe of a guard wouldn't be just like Klink instead of Schultz. I'd rather have the one with the guarantee attached." 

Carter nodded his approval, pouding the table a little. "That's right, Schultz is a friend to us, and we have to stick by our friends." He turned the LeBeau and scoffed. "Which is more than you're doing." 

"Hey, I never said we had to let him get shot," LeBeau remarked defensively. 

"He's right, mate," Newkirk stated simply, "we can always get im to England, and tell the brass not to be too hard on him, cause he's not like the others we deport. Just put im in a nice prison camp. But ol' Klink, he can put up with dupes as guards, he doesn't expect great work. All we gotta do is get Langenscheidt a few promotions or somethin'." 

Hogan held up a hand. All right, it's not a democracy, but this is good, he told himself. My men are divided, and I have to break a tie - it'll make it easier to convince them, perhaps, if they feel they just lost the vote. "Okay," he mentioned, "you've all made good points, and those are all things I'd pondered. However, you need to focus on one aspect. What could we get in return? A really tough guard? Remember that walking rule book?" They nodded slowly. "Okay, tone him down so Klink can stand him, we don't have time to do anything, even if we had a kommandant to ignore us. Now, take another kommandant. We have to a be lot more careful, but maybe we work up a few escapes till he's out, then keep doing that till we get the right one. Easy? No, it's hard, in fact, but the dupe guarding us day in and day out isn't the one we have to avoid, it's a few more bedchecks, a little more security, and so on. 

"I've given this a lot of thought, practically since we came here." Hogan stood to make the proclamation. "If we ever had to make the choice, and we've managed to stay away from it so far, and I hope we keep avoiding that choice, but if we have to choose we'll stay with Schultz, and let Klink go. Klink puts up with us, Schultz fraternizes. Klink can be coerced, but Schultz can really be cowed. And, Schultz is more neutral to begin with, possibly - possibly - sympathetic to us." Kinch grinned and held up a thumb as if to say "way to go." 

LeBeau shrugged his shoulders, admitting defeat. "Oui, those are good points." 

Newkirk refused to go easily, however. "What if we'd get some kommandant who's a real stickler on discipline, though, Schultz isn't inflexible, you remember how with other bigwigs callin' the shots, he'll crack down on us. We ain't little kids who he'll protect; he wouldn't shoot us, but he wouldn't help us, neither, if he could avoid trouble by helpin' the Krauts," the Englishman speculated. "You remember what he was like when he was kommandant." 

Hogan nodded. "Yes, and I know that could happen again, but he still wasn't as bad as Burkhalter would be, or Hochstetter, or even another Luftwaffe man." The colonel took the list Kinch held and continued. "It'd be us engineering his rise if he did become kommandant, not some order from Berlin, he'd owe us the favor, not the Krauts, so he wouldn't be trying to please them." Plus, Hogan thought, if he's serious about the Lord now, after that sermon, perhaps he's gotten Jesus into his heart and become a new person. 

Kinch wasn't aware of this line of thought. "Colonel...you were thinking of making Schultz kommandant if you had to?" The idea bewildered the man, but many things had bewildered him about the recent events in camp. 

"Right, and if need be we could swing it, I think, then use one of the dupier guards as the one guarding us all the time, we could talk Schultz into appointing a guard who'll ignore us much easier than we could convince Klink to appoint one. But, I don't think we'll need to do that." "How does this tie in with our staying here," the black man wondered finally. 

"I'll get to that. Okay, we've got almost a hundred people who should be experienced in raising a barn, and others who can help. Now, here's what we'll do..." 

Hogan walked into Klink's office a short time later. He found the kommandant delving into paperwork. "Hard day, huh, Sir? Find good land?" 

"Oh, yes," Klink remarked, "I think we might have found a good location for the camp. Then when I get back here, it's chaos," Klink announced, wishing Captain Gruber, his aide, did more. "Hogan, Schultz tells me the SS is upset because he stopped someone from shooting a child?" Hogan nodded. "Where does Hochstetter come in, and why is he so upset? And, why would the SS want to shoot a helpless child?" 

Hogan realized Klink hadn't heard about this being the child of some Underground worker. He chose not to reveal that part. "I think the Gestapo's out to get you; just like I've said before, they're jealous of your record." 

Klink walked over to his window and watched the activity int he camp. "But what about Schultz...was I wrong, Hogan?" He turned to look introspectively at the man. "Tell me honestly, do your men really fear him? I don't mean just fear that he'll fall on you," deadpanned Klink. 

Hogan didn't know quite what to say. He simply noted that "we've been together a long time, kommandant." Klink nodded. "I've tried very hard to be frank with you." 

"Yes, and I appreciate that," Klink noted. 

"Do you remember when you told me how you never wanted to be a soldier when you were young?" Klink nodded. "Schultz is the same way. However, he follows orders. Whereas you will bow to pressure when the Gestapo says to do something, he sees that the Gestapo isn't really military. He follows military orders," Hogan emphasized. The POW hoped to prod Klink into accepting this difference, but if need be, he could give Klink numerous examples of how different the Gestapo were from a military unit. Hogan wasn't sure if the SS was military, but their positions sometimes converged, so Klink might view them in the same light. 

Klink was not too vain to refuse to accept this notion. "Prehaps he is a little smarter than I give him credit for. And, he did stand up to them..." He explained his wish that he could think of some way to show that he, too, could stand up to the Gestapo. 

Hogan expected this. "You just insist Schultz stay on active duty," he remarked, "and don't listen if old Hochstetter or Hauptman say put him in the cooler. That'll be standing up to them enough." And keep Schultz a little further away from trouble, too. 

Klink nodded, thankful to have some voice backing him up in his desire to stand up to the Gestapo. He was way too weak to do so without Hogan's help. "You're right, no Gestapo agent is going to tell me how to run my camp!" 

Hogan could tell the kommandant was struggling a little. This provided the perfect time for him to present the second aspect of his plan. "Sir, the men know it's hard on you, especially now, seeing that you have such worries." 

"I am not worried," Klink spouted, "my record is flawless!" 

Hogan swiped a cigar from Klink's desk. "But that doesn't matter to Hochstetter. He and that Hauptman are jealous because you're military, and you're the great Iron Colonel." He gestured with his cigar, allowing his next words to sink in like a subliminal mesage next to hisincredible flattery. "And you're concerned - maybe not worried, but concerned - that they'll make something up, use this incident with Schultz and that boy to get rid of you, because they don't want some military genius like you showing them up." 

Klink sat down again. "I am a military genius?" He thought a minute; of course, he said, to himself, I can say it. Hogan knows it, he won't downplay what I can do. "Yes, yes, you could call me that." 

"And they want to take away your place in the record books. I can't help there," Hogan commented, ensuring that Klink didn't suspect him when things got very strange in camp, "but I can help you cement your place in history." 

"Yes, yes," came the eager Greman. 

"I don't know if you're aware, kommandant," Hogan began, "but there's a tradition in the American Midwest called a barn raising." 

"A barn raising," came the curious query. "You Americans have some interesting pastimes, this sounds most unusual." 

Hogan walked around, holding the cigar close to his mouth. "A farmer needs a barn, and in a hurry; his old one's burned down, or he has a bigger harvest than expected, or something. He calls a bunch of neighbors together, they get tools and supplies, and his wife feeds them while he and they work starting at daybreak. By the end of the day, he has a new barn." 

"Fascinating." 

Now, comes the fibbing, he told himself. "Anyway, people sometimes compete to see who can put up a good one fastest. A group of men at Stalag 2, so the kommandant there could give them something to do so they wouldn't plot escapes, put one up in a time recently which was a record, even got quite a bit of press back in the states." He pointed at Klink again with the cigar. "Every farmer in our nation knows the name of the kommandant of Stalag 2." 

Klink grinned happily, so excited Hogan didn't even need to imply what his men could do. "Say, I wonder, could your men do that? For me?" 

"What'll you give us?" 

Klink frowned a little, but chose to give a little bit. "An extra half hour of light the next week, and an extra slice of break for each worker." 

"Hmmm, okay, I think I can talk some men into this..." He trailed off, hoping Klink's phone would ring soon. Klink had been extra anxious to see his name go on, perhaps because of worries about what Hochstetter might try to do, though. Therefore, Hogan had been ready for the call earlier than expected. He and Klink spoke about specifics - where to put the building, what to use it as afterward, until the phone rang and Klink answered it. 

"Hello, Stalag 13." The voice on the other end made Klink stand straight and salute. "Yes, I am ready," he announced sternly. 

Kinch's voice - from the tunnel on the other end of the line - resonated. "The next voice you hear will be that of Himmler." It had been a toss-up between Carter and Newkirk, but it was decided Newkirk did the better Himmler. Carter's voice was a little too different; the only reason he'd fooled Hauptman was the tension Hauptman had felt already in that crazy office. 

Newkirk got on the phone and coughed. "Colonel Klink," he inquired, sounding sick. 

"Yes, mein reichfuhrer," came the colonel, nearly choking as he tried desparately to hide his excitement. 

"There are people within my own organization who seek to take my life." He coughed again and spouted away from the phone "get those German Shepards out of here, I am safe in this airtight room." They have to keep him in an airtight room for safety, wondered the incredulous kommandant. "They are forces which may be jealous of you, too, with your perfect record, but I understand the military, I really do. I want to show you how I trust you. Until this crisis is over, you must protect me with your life." 

"Yes, your excellency! Whatever you ask!" 

"I will be arriving at your camp tonight or tomorrow, prepare a building for me and me alone. Be ready, for it could be quite early," remarked Newkirk, loving his opportunity to do German. He normally would have rather not played someone begging with Klink, but the idea that Klink would think Himmler was pleading with him was sufficient for him. 

Soon after hanging up, Klink instructed Hogan that "you and your men will put up that barn right now, work through dinner if you have to!" He quickly phoned for building materials, for which he procured delivery. 

Feigning confusion, Hogan raised his eyebrows. "Something wrong, kommandant? You sounded a little choked up on the phone." 

"That is none of your business," remarked Klink. "The new building must be made spartan for His Excellency Heinrich Himmler, however." 

"Himmler. And to think I could have grabbed that colonel's gun while he was so upset and he never would have known it," Hogan joked. 

"Hogan, I will not have you making such snide comments while Herr Reichfuhrer is around. Now, get your men on this project right away!" Seeing Hogan mute, he said "well?!" 

"You've gotta give us more time, most farmers get a little notice." 

Klink grumbled, but relented. This was important. He might even make general for it. "All right, two slices of bread for each man, and one extra for the others." 

Hogan agreed, and ordered the barn raising. How odd it would be a few hours later, when almost finished, he would go to Klink in the early evening and suggest Himmler might not be coming after all. He asked himself how he ever developed such odd ideas, while thanking the Lord that they worked anyway, no matter how bizarre. 

******* 

Chapter Three 

There must be a convention of SS and Gestapo guards there, the American colonel reflected as he looked out onto the compound at the three trucks. He walked into his office and analyzed the intense construction work which occurred out his office window, and from which the trucks were hidden. Things were shaping up well, but going quite fast as the evening wore on. Spotlights had been ordered shone on the builders as night fell, making it easier for LeBeau to get away to meet with the Tin Man. Hauptman was silently fuming in the V.I.P. quarters as he scrutinized his guards and awaited word on Himmler. Thanks to Kinch's switchboard work, he'd been unable to get through to Berlin, and could thus only assume the Reichfuhrer was still missing. He also fussed over Klink's asertion that he'd spoken to Himmler - that was impossible if the man had been kidnapped, and he told Klink this. 

As for his part, Hochstetter questioned a number of guards as to whether Schultz had ever ordered them to act treasonously. As he did so, he began to consider - even enjoy - the thought Klink had given such orders. As a Gestapo man, he could pursue whom he wnted and elicit confessions from them, and he found this to be a prime opportunity to perhaps frame the kommandant of Stalag 13. After all, Klink was the most inept person in perhaps the entire German nation. He couldn't stand the man about whom he'd once said "every year that man lives takes a hundred years off the thousand year Reich." 

Hogan knew things could unravel rapidly - Schultz could utter something strange, such as when he'd said he was "just following orders." Somebody could arrive from Berlin. However, the head POW never dwelled on such things. He needed immense faith to be able to maintain the grand operation he did, and part of that faith meant that he not consider the possibility of defeat. Yes, they'd come close to closing up their operation at times, but he'd never let any setback mean the end; it was just one more obstacle to overcome. 

Schultz wandered into the Heroes' barracks as Hogan was leaving his office, about as nervous as he had been earlier. "Oh, Colonel Hogan," came the obese man, "did you hear the news?" 

"What news?" Hochstetter didn't arrest Klink yet, did he, wondered Hogan. That would put a massive crimp in things. 

"That Herr Himmler is coming into the camp," the guard remarked, sounding a little worried. "Oh, boy, am I in big trouble." 

Carter smiled. "Don't worry, he doesn't care about going after you." 

"Yeah, Schulttzie, you've got us on your side," Newkirk assured him. 

Schultz nodded. "That is what I told my wife when I called her." The guard reported that "I was told to remain in my quarters for a while, till Klink came and put me back on duty, saying he would not let the Gestapo get the better of him." Hogan wasn't concerned that Schultz had said the prisoners were on his side. He knew he wouldn't tell his wife, Gretchen, about all the activity that he'd seen; perhaps snippets of the snippets, but even that he likely avoided mentioning. 

"Bet she's glad to hear you're not going to the Russian front," Baker commented. 

"I'll say. Although she wishes I would come home; she is still upset with you guys because you were up after the lights out time and cost me that three-day pass a while ago." Hogan nodded slowly. "She has a strong will - she is willing to write to the kommandant and order him to let me come home." The prisoners giggled. "You see what I mean by thinking about her during bayonet drills.' She has a way of scolding you that pierces you and makes you feel that big." Schultz held his thumb and forefinger an inch apart. 

Hogan snickered. Knowing Klink, he might be conned into doing it. His pride might make him too defensive, though, if she really rebuked him. He decided this was something that perhaps would allow Schultz to work with them. "Look, we're going to have to bail Klink out, I think, as well as get those trucks of prisoners out. If you work with us we'll get you your pass." Schultz thanked them and left. The moment Schultz stepped out the door, he realized LeBeau and Kinch weren't there. He decided, however, that they were probably doing something about which he didn't want to know. 

LeBeau and the agent known as Tin Man came up a little while later. "Lots of activity here," spoke the agent. 

Hogan snickered. "Just a typical day at Stalag 13. We're gonna use your information and make like an SS group plotted to blow up the place, one that wants to put a camp here." 

"That would be interesting. LeBeau told me what was in the trucks, do you still need the train information," Tin Man inquired. He gave his real name of Frederick Bruner. 

Hogan shrugged. "Sure, what'd you find?" 

Bruner handed him some information he'd jotted. "We can get them hitched to the Munich Express which goes near the Swiss border, then use our units to sneak them across; I know you prefer England, but that is where the conductor and border people whom we have work." 

Hogan acquiesced. He wished he could provide them transport to England, but he also recognized that that number of people would likely not fit on the sub all at once. Kinch had been quite busy lately, and had elicited several dozen to help with small details on fake ID papers, but he needed photos, and they couldn't get the guards out of the way, the photos taken, and the papers processed in the short amount of time he would have. "We've not had time to get an accurate head count, but with this many, it'll be hard to get them all on the sub. Yours is likely the best route, if you can vouch for its security." 

"I know you do not normally send people to Switzerland, but I can give you a few contacts so you can ensure that they get there." 

Hogan nodded. "And, with the Munich Express, it'll be a pretty short trip. Okay, I'll have some men drive them out sometime here," he finished for the man. "We'll take down the info on this factory, tell your men we'll be going out as SS personnel when we blow it up, and you can wear a couple uniforms yourself to distribute to a couple of your men - just another part of what we're trying to do with this other stuff." 

Bruner raised his eyebrows, a little astounded. "Are you always this busy?" 

"No, but we had a slow period, we're probably making up for lost time." 

At that comment, Carter turned from the window. "Schultz is coming again," he reported. Tin Man slipped down into the tunnel just before the fat sergeant entered room. 

"Well," the sentry responded, "I have some good news and I have some bad news." 

Hogan preferred to hear bad news first so he could plan accordinagly. "What's the bad new?" 

"General Burkhalter is coming to take over while Major Hochstetter completes his investigation." The guard sighed. "With Himmler coming too, I might be gone, anyway." 

Yes, Hogan thought, and so might we if we can't somehow convince Burkhalter Himmler's in that building. "What's the good news," wondered the American. 

"What might be good for me is that the major is focusing on Kommandant Klink, and he plans to take the kommandant in for questioning sometime tonight." Hogan grumbled. They'll probably try to keep Klink awake to wear him down, concluded the man. 

The head POW turned to Carter. Since Kinch performed his villainous German voice to impersonate the traitors, he wanted his mind focused on that point. While Kinch's audio Hiter was slightly better than Carter's, the latter still performed very well. "Newkirk does a slightly better you-know-who, you do your you-know-what, it'll throw more confusion into them." Hogan touched his upper lip to indicate a Hitler-type mustache, and Carter grinned. "We've got to make sure this works." 

"Who is you-know-who," protested the guard. "And what is you-know-what?" 

"I don't know," came a smiling Kinch. 

Carter couldn't help but reply as Schultz's eyes grew big "no, he's third base!" 

The guard, oblivious to the Abbott & Costello routine, backed out of the building. "Mmmm, do not tell me who or what they are, I hear nothing. Nothing!" 

Soon after the time for lights to be out, Hogan's group got to business. The first step was calling Hochstetter's office; the major hadn't left to get Klink, though he planned to soon. After Carter did the voice of a bungling corporal, telling the major the next voice he heard would be Himmler's, Newkirk came onto the line. "Major Hochstetter," Newkirk remarked, coughing, "this is Heinrich Himmler." The major stood quite erect. "Have you tried to call my office?" 

"No, Herr Reichfuhrer, I..." 

"Good. I am quite disappointed in the things which have gone on there," commented the Britisher in his faux German. Maybe he wasn't kidnapped, the Major thought. Just as he began to think it was all an elaborate hoax, Newkirk coughted and spouted "I have been under attack for a while. I am in your area, Stalag 13. May I ask, did you obey Hauptman's wishes that the prisoners be moved to that camp, and not to your headquarters?" 

"Why, yes..." Under attack? "I presumed that this was to test..." 

"Presume nothing, Major. I do not know who my friends are anymore," stressed the faux Reichfuhrer. "Hauptman will soon be my highest deputy, he is one of the few I trust." 

Hochstetter maintained his stoic demeanor. "I trust I have also earned it, Herr Reichfuhrer!" 

"Mmmm, perhaps." Sensing that Hochstetter probably shuddered a little on that hesitation, Newkirk baited the trap Hogan wished him to. "I will require your protection for a few days, until things are...sorted out among my subordinates." 

"Certainly, Herr Reichfuhrer!" The major felt incredibly honored. 

"I want to see no other investigations going on until I sort this out!" Newkirk sounded a little more agitated now. 

"Of course not..." proclaimed Hochstetter before he knew what he was saying. Could he afford to forget Klink for a while? Well, he didn't have to take him in, but he could do a little examining on the side. 

"Station yourself at Stalag 13, Colonel Hauptman will no doubt be doing the same. I am quite weary of all of this infighting, let noone disturb me once I arrive." Newkirk suddenly ranted that "I am guarded by men trained to shoot to kill anyone who comes near, including you, Hochstetter!" Hochstetter gulped, then agreed to this, and Newkirk hung up, making the same call to Hauptman's office, but ensuring that Hauptman prevented the major from entering the "barn." 

The SS colonel, having heard what seemed to be a kidnapping, made no attempt to call Himmler's headquarters. When Hochstetter attempted to call Berlin, he again heard Kinch's fiendish-sounding German, thanks to the black sergeant's position atop one of the phone lines a short distance away, one which connected to Gestapo headquarters. About one o'clock, satisfied neither party would make another call there, Kinch went back to camp. 

Hogan instructed his men to constantly man the switchboard underneath Stalag 13. This got hairy, of course, because while Baker could do it, his German wasn't very realistic. LeBeau's was only adequate, meaning only Kinch, Carter, and Newkirk could portray truly bombastic Germans. To compensate, Hogan grudgingly allotted time for Olsen and Thomas to monitor the phone lines. 

Another phone call, Hogan considered, needed to be perfectly timed. It would summon Burkhalter to Berlin for a top-level meeting with the general staff at the time things got quite strange in camp. Of course, there would be no meeting, but if things fell into place, they could easily include that as part of the "plot." 

When Carter announced to the coffee-filled barracks that Hochstetter had just pulled in, Hogan gave the signal and they hopped down into the tunnel, with Carter moving to the switchboard aside Olsen. As Hogan meandered through the tunnel system, up to the entrance in Klink's quarters, he allowed himself to wish that Hauptman would arrive at the same time. Barring that, he would stall Hochstetter by...well, he would think of something. He always did. 

LeBeau listened at the coffeepot in the barracks, a coffeepot which contained a connection to Klink's office. Listening for any activity, he turned to Baker, watching at the window. "Schultz was just called into the office." 

Baker nodded. "Okay, so he's off guard duty - give the signal." LeBeau knocked on the top bunk, exposing the tunnel, and hollered down "send Hogan up." The message was relayed, and Hogan climbed up from under the stove and into Klink's quarters. 

There was no direct tunnel to Klink's office - Hogan hadn't wanted to risk getting caught when digging, and the noise under Klink's office would have been too suspicious. However, the quarters were enough, as it was a stone's throw to the office, a distance easily traversed without being spotted if one was careful. 

Hochstetter had only one question for Schultz as Hogan was sneaking past the sleeping Klink. "When you were following orders, whose orders were you following regarding preventing Hauptman from shooting that boy." Hochstetter prevented the nervous guard from doing little more than stammering, whispering maliciously that "if you say Kommandant Klink it will be quite pleasant for you." 

"Well..." He didn't wish to lie, nor did he wish to slander Klink. However, he wished to protect himself and his family; his wife seemed upset that something could happen to him, and in fact had inferred the previous afternoon that if he were arrested by the Gestapo, they might go to Switzerland. He didn't know why, but perhaps they'd heard of families being rounded up like those in these trucks. "Kommandant Klink was not there," Schultz noted, stalling. 

"I know he was not there, what..." Hochstetter glared at Hogan as the American showed up at the door. "Hogan how did you get in here, it is past one o'clock in the morning!!" 

"I keep having these funny dreams that I can just walk in here and I'll be surrounded by gorgeous women," came the grinning colonel. 

Hochstetter grumbled, seething. "Get out, I will deal with you later." 

"Thanks for bringing Schultz in here, I never could have made it past him," Hogan reported as he pulled up a chair and sat down, Schultz staring at the colonel as if he'd grown an extra head. "What brings you into camp, Major?" 

"I am investigating to see who might be a traitor to the Third Reich. Guard, bring Klink in here!" Turning to Hogan, Hochstetter hollered "I give you five seconds to get out, or I'll..." 

"Must have been a rumor I heard." Hogan inspected his fingernails as if nothing were amiss. 

"I am going to begin count- What rumor, what are you takling about?" 

"About some top secret factory," came the nonchalant colonel. 

"Top secret factory where," Hochstetter hissed at Hogan. "Who said anything about a top secret factory?" 

"I think it was that colonel that was here, what was his name..." He snapped his fingers. 

Schultz smiled and offered "it was Colonel..." 

"Do not tell him," came the loud order from Hochstetter. "I believe it is time we found out what the kommandant knows about all of this." 

"Fine, I'll wait till he comes and then tell you," Hogan remarked, slouching in the chair as if he were lounging in front of a good radio program. 

Hochstetter was really irked at Hogan now. "Stop being so co-operative!" What am I saying, he asked himself as Klink was hustled into his office in pajamas. Hochstetter instantly screamed at Klink "what is this man doing here?!?" 

Klink stood, flabbergasted, staring at the relaxing Hogan. Forlornly, he looked up at Hochstetter. "I thought you asked for him, Major." 

"Bah, I did not call for anybody except Schultz and you," exclaimed Hochstetter. "I want to know about the orders you gave to Sergeant Schultz." 

Hogan responded for him. "Oh, Klink told him to stop Colonel Hauptman at all costs," Hogan remarked. 

"He did," came from the suddenly sleepy Schultz. 

"Hogan, what are you talking about, I never..." 

"Hold your breath, Klink." Hochstetter walked over to Hogan, standing right beside him. "This man is lying." Not that I can't use that anyway, thought the major. 

"How can you tell?" Klink suddenly realized the major seemed ready to exonerate him from that accusation. "I mean, yes, of course, he is lying." 

"Yes, how can you tell," the American wished to know. 

The major exclaimed that "when you were in here earlier, you kept complaining that I had not introduced you, and you kept asking his name!" 

Hogan grinned. "Except that I stepped out, then came back in and used his name. Didn't I, guys?" His question was directed at Schultz and Klink. He'd hoped to get Hauptman's name from someone, and while it hadn't been crucial, this provided yet another way in which he could get Hauptman. 

Klink nodded, while Schultz reported "I remember him using the man's name once, I heard it with my own eyes." 

Hogan sat up straight. "Right, because I then remembered Hauptman was the one who told me about the rocket factory in Hammelburg." This was the signal for LeBeau to go out, meet Tin Man and a couple others, and sabotage the plant. Hogan wasn't concerned about LeBeau being the only one of the "first teamers" on this mission, as the Frenchman had worked solo once. Now, several Underground people would be working with him. 

"What rocket factory in Hammelburg, there is no rocket factory in Hammelburg!" Silently, Hochstetter hoped Hogan was making a lucky guess. 

"That's why Klink knew he was bad news, and Schultz did, too, because he alerted Klink..." 

"I did," came the sergeant. 

"...and Klink said do not let that man do anything like shoot anybody or give away secrets.' Klink knew he might just be trying to silence those who knew the treason he was up to." 

Trying to sound knowledgeable while looking totally stumped, Klink agreed. "Oh, yes, I knew he was trouble from the start." At this point, Hauptman walked in, and Hogan decided to try and get him to leave as rapidly as possible if he could. Of course, Hauptman could still have henchmen blowing up the factory, but Hogan knew Hauptman would look much more suspicious if he were thought to have been there when it exploded. Barring that, he had other plans for the SS colonel. 

Remaining seated, Hogan turned to Hauptman. Before the American could say anything, Hauptman turned to Hochstetter, purposely ignoring the American. Let them deal with that man, Hauptman told himself, I have been bothered enough by him. "Major Hochstetter," lectured the colonel, "why are you not preparing for Herr Himmler's arrival?" 

Hogan put up a hand. "Right, Klink was prepared, he ordered a new building put up..." 

Klink interrupted the head POW. "Yes, yes, I..." Klink thought a minute; hadn't Hogan told him Himmler might not be coming? "I wonder if he really is coming, has somebody called Berlin?" Not yet, Hogan thought to himself, wishing he could tell Klink and Schultz when to speak in cases like this. 

"I agree with the kommandant," Schultz offered, "he is not coming." That makes me doubly sure he is coming, considered Hochstetter. 

Hauptman grumbled. "You are a traitor, Sergeant!" 

"That is not very nice," came the obese man. 

"At least he's not fraternizing," teased Hogan. 

Hauptman stared at Hochstetter. "Major, I..." Suddenly, Burkhalter walked into the room ahead of Hogan's hoped-for timetable. Good thing I kept Newkirk back, Hogan considered. 

"Hochstetter, what is..." began Burkhalter, perhaps the only man in the Luftwaffe fatter than Schultz. 

"You'll be happy to know, General Burkhalter," Hogan stood and related, "that Schultz followed orders perfectly." The speaking of the general's name was a signal that Carter was to impersonate Hitler - then Newkirk, LeBeau, and Tim Man were to drive the trucks out to be hitched to the trains - as quickly as possible. Soon, they would need to get on the switchboard and get the guards shifted to the completed barn. Of course, LeBeau and Tin Man weren't back yet, so Newkirk also had to remain, which complicated things. 

Hauptman rushed to defend his position, forgetting that Hogan might be laying a trap. After all, he wasn't speaking to the man. "Sergeant Schultz prevented me from shooting a traitor..." 

"I did not prevent you from shooting a traitor," Schultz commented, using the same line he'd been using, "I prevented you from shooting a helpless child." 

Hauptman glared at Schultz. "He was the child of an Underground leader!" 

"What was his name," Hogan inquired. 

"I am not..." the SS man shouted quickly, abruptly turning to General Burkhalter. "Herr General, tell this man I am not being lured into his traps." 

Burkhalter looked at Hogan, but before he could say anything, Hogan hollered at him. "You tell him you won't be ordered around by a lowly colonel - and SS at that." 

Beginning to get a little red in the face, the general loudly told Hogan "I do not take orders from prisoners." 

Hogan walked up to Hauptman's face and said "fine, I'll tell him; what gives you the right to order a general on Hitler's personal staff around like that!" He could tell Hauptman was having lots of trouble controlling his anger. Schultz thought he saw what the head POW might be doing - trying to elicit another tantrum, getting Hauptman proven insane, and getting him off the hook. For his part, Klink stood in his pajamas and slippers, totally baffled. 

Hauptman barely turned away from Hogan, telling Burkhalter that "I am SS, and I can do whatever I please if someone is plotting to undermine the Reich." 

Burkhalter began to seethe at the SS man now. "What do you mean, you can order me around? I am a general!" 

"I am sorry, Herr General, I did not mean it that way..." 

"Of course you did," Hogan isnisted, recalling a line from Colonel Feldcamp, Major Hochstetter's predecessor, "you Gestapo and SS men are always saying all these generals do is plot to overthrow the fuhrer...'" He let the thought hang. 

Burkhalter had long since learned what Hauptman was just now learning, to ignore Hogan's mind games. "I do not think we need to acknowledge that statement with a reply." 

Hauptman, however, was still a little agitated. "There are quite a few traitors to the Reich, I know you yourself are clearly not to blame..." 

"Don't be too sure," remarked the American, "maybe he told Klink to tell Schultz to disobey you, Burkhalter hates the Gestapo. Isn't that right, kommandant," Hogan snapped at Klink. 

Colonel Klink nodded. "Oh, yes, it..." He stopped himself and held out his hands at Hochstetter, whining at Hogan. "Hogan, you do not say that while the Gestapo is here." Hochstetter suddenly found himself furiously taking notes. Hopefully, someone will confess to something while they are all so agitated, he told himself. 

Okay, Hogan considered, LeBeau's safely out of camp, and on his way to the factory. Now's the time for the pivot at second base. "Well, I'm not sure, maybe he doesn't mind Himmler." 

"Is what the American says true," inquired Hauptman nastily at Burkhalter, "that you hate us?" 

Burkhalter hesitated, trying to evade the question and appease Hochstetter and Hauptman. As he thought, Hogan interceded, holding a hand to his face. "You know, I bet Burkhalter could be behind the kidnapping of Himmler..." 

"What?!?!" This time, Burkhalter couldn't ignore the head POW. "How can you accuse..." Aburptly, the general caught himself. "What do you mean, he has not been kidnapped!" 

Hogan further remarked that "Schultz is a dupe, and so is Klink, but if Burkhalter told Klink to stop Hauptman, and if Himmler really trusts this Hauptman..." 

"Major, Colonel...I assure you..." the general tried to defend himself. 

Hochstetter held his pencil while rubbing his chin. "As a matter of fact, he did say Hauptman was the only one he could..." The major balked. "No, this is impossible, it is all too bizarre!" 

"That could explain a lot," the American surmised as the phone rang. "I'll get it." The American was closest to the phone, but he really didn't wish to answer this, becuase he wished to remain totally aloof from the nuttiness which would ensue. He really wanted Hauptman to get the phone, though any of the officers would do. 

Hochstetter stepped quickly to grab the receiver. "Oh, no you don't," he hissed at Hogan. "Hello, Stalag 13." 

Newkirk performed his Himmler impersonation. "Hochstetter, you dumbkopf, do you not know who this is?!" 

"Oh, I am terribly sorry, Herr..." He thought it might be Himmler, but he wasn't sure. 

"It is I, Reichfuhrer Heinrich Himmler. Is Hauptman there, I need to speak to him?" Baker had signalled the Englishman that Hauptman had not left yet, and so to implement Plan B. 

Hochstetter handed Hauptman the phone, informing him who it was. Burkhalter, anxious to show that he liked the man, stood straighter than anyone else in the room. "Yes, your excellency," the SS colonel began. 

"Hauptman, you goof, I have snuck into camp, why did you not see me!" 

"I am sorry, there was just some confusion with a few other people here." Wishing to protect the man, the SS colonel asked "where are you?" 

"In that new building Klink built for me. Where are the guards? You only have a few guards around it, while trained men guard traitors?! What is the meaning of this," shouted Newkirk. 

"I am sorry, Herr Reichfuhrer, I shall take men from there..." 

"Take your guards all off those trucks, you idiot, our opponents have a private army, they will surely try and kill me and you now, but this was the safest place." He coughed a little more. 

"Yes, Herr Reichfuhrer, at once." Hauptman turned to Hochstetter. Having been told he could be second in command to Himmler himself in a short while, he leaped at the chance to show his faithfulness. "We must divert all our guards to protect Herr Himmler." 

This time, it was Hochstetter's turn to consider the trucks. "Someone not from this camp must guard those prisoners in the trucks These men here are notorious bunglers." 

At that moment, the phone rang again. Hauptman picked it up while Hochstetter went out of the office and ordered most of the guards to shift over to the barn. He kept a dozen or so around the trucks as a precaution. Kinch's devilish German voice came over the phone. "Herr Hauptman, good to here from you, I am glad we got a chance to speak one last time." 

"One...last time," inquired the puzzled SS man. 

"Soon, our army will have staged a raid on something top secret, when you hear a large explosion, you will know we are near." Kinch snickered. "I would feel sorry for you, if I didn't know that I would soon own all the real power behind the Reich. The other generals are nothing, the Reich would never survive without the SS and the Gestapo, and soon I will ferret out all the dead wood in this nation...including, if I must, the fuhrer hmself." 

Hauptman's jaw dropped. He'd once thought this an internal power struggle, but now Kinch's comment - meant to lead into Burkhalter's being called to Berlin - made him suspect that his entire nation was in peril. After Kinch spoke for a little while longer, he hung up, and Hauptman was torn. Did he protect Himmler, or Hitler? The first thing he did, once Hochstetter was back in the room, was order "every last available troop" placed on duty at the "barn." Stalag 13's gates would be monitored with a skeleton crew. He then uttered "we must protect the fuhrer; his life is in grave danger." 

Burkhalter scoffed. "I came here to help while Hochstetter completed an investigation, not to hear people utter nonsense," he muttered as he ambled toward the phone. "I had better get to the bottom of this." He picked up the phone and said "Get me Berchstessgarden." 

Baker, enjoying the tomfoolery like a radio listener glued to his favorite comedy program, overheard the request on the coffeepot in the barracks, and quickly ran over and caused the tunnel to be revealed. "Burkhalter's calling Hitler at Berchstessgarden," he called down to them. 

Thomas relayed the message from near the entrance, then stated "thanks, Carter's on it." 

Kinch got on the phone, doing a more gruff-sounding German, just in cae he ever had to do his slimy German for Burkhalter. He uttered "the fuhrer will be with you in a second." As Carter grinned, prepared to do his bombastic Hitler voice once more, Kinch whispered "he's at Berschtessgarden" in Carter's ear. Does Hogan want us to tell Burkhalter to go there, the men wondered. Probably, the longer he travels, the better. 

"Yes, what is it," came Carter's Hitler impersonation as he stood and flailed crazily, getting himself more into the spirit. 

"Mein fuhrer, I was afraid you would be sleeping, but I had to call because..." The general paused for a second, wondering if this could be a trick - he hadn't heard any rumors of impending coup attempts. 

Wishful thinking, Burkhalter told himself as Carter ranted. "No, of course not, how can I sleep when fools are plotting against me and the glorious Third Reich?!" Carter's ranting prevented Burkhalter from noticing any differentce in his voice; not that he would, anyway, as Carter's Hitler had been honed until it was almost flawless. 

"Then you know your life is in danger. If there is anything I can do..." 

"Where are you now?" 

"LuftStalag 13," replied the general. 

"Remain there, leave the line open - I assume you are using the line in the kommandant's office, what was his name, Fink?" He was there. "Fine, I will call you, I am trying to get a meeting together with my top personnel. I will summon you once we have agreed on a secret place. Then, you must come quickly, so we can crush this thing!" This call was the one Carter would have made, with or without Burkhalter calling first. 

"Yes, Main fuhrer! Shall I bring Himmler when I come, he is here now," offered the general. 

Carter knew that could never be part of the plan. He fussed angrily again. "No, of course not! Do you not know anything about strategy, you dumbkopf? He is a diversion; this thing started with a band of SS and Gestapo men, and so they went after him first! They know where this is, and they will come here, it will have to be someplace most secret!" Kinch held up a thumb and grinned. "Besides, I can afford to lose him, if I split those two groups up, there will not be the temptation to try and gain control of so much at once!" Kinch shook his head, not wishing Carter to say anything opposite of what Hitler would say. Of course, Kinch realized, that madman was such a lunatic, his generals were probably accustomed to quick reversals on things. 

"Of course, mein fuhrer," the general agreed. Carter knew the guards were likely almost all off the trucks, but he had to make sure LeBeau and Tin Man made it back. 

Kinch held his hand over the speaker portion of the phone and whispered to Carter, who took the advice. He remarked "of course, I do not want to lose him, but he has made me angry. He is the most expendable right now. Do not let me consider you expendable, too," the rant concluded as Carter slammed down the phone. 

"Brilliant," Kinch commented. 

In Klink's office, the colonels and the major had overcome their shock. As Burkhalter hung up the phone, the general reported "the fuhrer seems to have things well in hand, he is trying to organize a top-secret meeting someplace, and he will call back with details. He is upset, but no mroe so than at other times; this is merely a plot that went a little further than usual before being detected. It will be crushed, things are under control." 

Hogan nodded. He pondered what to do next - Carter's idea of getting Hitler out of his hideaway had been good strategically, in that it made sense that plotters would look for him there. However, he didn't know where the fuhrer went for privacy. He thus asked the general, knowing Baker would be monitoring the coffeepot. 

Feeling a little better now, Burkhalter offered an answer. "He is unpredictable - it could be anywhere. The places I know best are where he is least likely to be, because the plotters may know, too." Now I feel better, too, Hogan mused. As long as they keep it far away from us. 

An explosion was heard from several miles away, giving Hogan added confidence. Hauptman screamed "the attack, it has begun," and ordered all of Klink's available armed guards to be ready at the front gate. Since the emergency tunnel was around back, in the woods, this was acceptable. After several minutes, another call arrived, with Burkhalter running over to answer it - an act which would have taken his breath away were it not a matter of a couple yards. 

"Burkhalter," screamed Carter as Hitler, "this is your fuhrer." Before the general had a chance to stand at attention, he hollered "get your fat duff to..." He looked at a map of Poland, and could find only one city whose name he could pronounce. "Warsaw!" 

"Warsaw?" blurted the general. "I mean, certainly, mein fuhrer..." 

"There is no time to lose! While you idiot generals carouse around, getting fat like stuffed gooses, the SS and Gestapo try to wring your necks! It is no wonder they are plotting to overthrow me, none of you ever stand up to them!" 

"I will, starting right now, mein fuhrer." Burkhalter was beginning to sweat. 

"Good! Meet me in the old City Hall in Warsaw. Make no stops, come right away." Carter didn't know what buildings existed, but he knew they had to have a City Hall. He rambled for several more minutes, then slammed down the phone. Boy, I love acting like this, he pondered. 

General Burkhalter left amidst some confusion in the ranks. Major Hochstetter, to whom the order had been given to avoid all investigations, stood closely by the barn, while Colonel Hauptman took some SS guards to investigate the bomb blast. With LeBeau and Bruner still in their SS uniforms, they joined Newkirk, who had recently gotten dressed, and prepared to take the trucks to link with the Munich Express, which would pass by in a couple hours. It was now safe for anyone to notice Himmler was not in the barn, but Hogan hoped to postpone that discovery as long as possible. 

Of course, before the trucks left, the Heroes needed to get the boy to one of the trucks. To accomplish this, Kinch and a fellow named Richards, who had known a little Dutch and had spent the last few hours with the boy while he slept, led the boy up through the tunnel leading to Klink's quarters. Hogan, meanwhlie, tried to keep Klink in his office. To do so, he spoke the code that caused the phone to ring once more. 

"Hello," came the sleepy and dazed kommandant, who would have been fooled by this time into thinking Schultz was Himmler. 

"Colonel Klink, this is Herr Himmler, calling from the phone the prisoners installed in your building," came Carter's voice. As the kommandant sat straight up, Carter rambled about many odd things, while Hogan left to speak to Kinch. Newkirk, LeBeau and Bruner were already in their SS uniforms, complete with fake identity papers created by Kinch. 

"Okay, we need to know which truck the boy's in. Did you get close to Schultz to ask him," Hogan asked the Frenchman. 

"Oui, Colonel, but he couldn't tell, they look so much alike." 

The colonel pulled a paper from his pocket as LeBeau held a gun to him as a precaution, though the presence of a spotlight on them meant little. What was an escaping prisoner when your kommandant suspected such an important man was to be guarded? "Okay, I'll slip this in each." The paper held the words "I am safe" followed by "we are getting you to Switzerland via train" and "If this is the truck I escaped from; tear this paper in two and send it back one piece at a time. If not, send it back whole." It was signed: "Love: Bert." 

Hogan would have cringed at the thought of sending code with a child, but he felt shipping a message this short a distance would be safe; an adult would have the information by the time anyone caught them. Kinch slipped a note - signed "Papa Bear" - in Bert's back pocket and smiled. Richards said to give it to his parents; it contained more detailed instructions on the escape. Someone in at least one van would know exactly what was happening. Hogan much preferred dealing with escapees directly, but this was the safest way to do it, with Schultz guarding the barn. 

The head POW slipped the paper into the door of one truck, and after a sweep of the spotlight - which together with the moonlight provided enough for those in the truck to read by - it came back whole. In the second one, there wa a longer wait, followed by half a piece of paper. The other half followed a few seconds later. That must be the one, Hogan thought. He held the same pose with LeBeau as before, appearing to be captured. "LeBeau has the keys. I'll do this pose once more," he whispered back to Kinch, "and as soon as the light leaves us, be ready to get the kid in here." Richards and Bert embraced, and Kinch led the child to the side of the truck, just outside of the reach of the spotlight. At the appropriate time, LeBeau unlocked the door, and the boy, ready to pull the coded message from his pocket the minute he got in, rushed into the truck, LeBeau quickly closing the door. He thought he noticed the boy's parents embracing him as he did so. 

"Okay," Hogan commented to Kinch and LeBeau at the back of the truck, "put another paper in the back of the third truck, just saying we'll get them to Switzerland. Then Kinch, get back and tell Carter to hang up in a minute or so." Hogan snuck across the compound to Schultz. Before tha fat guard could say anything, Hogan spouted "you know, I bet he's not in there." 

Hochstetter noticed the American and screamed for everyone from there to Berlin to hear: "what is this man doing here?!" The spotlight turned to shine on the pair. 

"Glad you finally got to say it, Major," Hogan noted, "but since you relieved Klink of his command, I'm your responsibility. Send me back to my barracks." 

"Bah, I will put Klink back in command and then charge him with gross neglect of his duty," Hochstetter insisted. "And as for you, I have some clever new devices I would like to try on you to make you talk..." 

Hogan folded his arms. "Some gratitude, I'm out here taking away from my well-earned sleep, and trying to help you get Hauptman..." 

"I do not need help getting Hauptman, he does not need gotten," screamed the Gestapo man. 

"Well, if you won't go in there, I will." Hogan began to strut toward the barn. 

Hochstetter suddenly recalled the reichfuhrer's orders, and - given that he was beginning to believe more and more in the kidnapping story - he almost allowed Hogan to enter. Before he could, however, Schultz stopped Hogan with his rifle. "Wait a minute; I will go," insisted the guard. He marched up to the door of the barn, opened it as if he were defusing a bomb, and tiptoed inside. Hogan deduced that by now, Newkirk, LeBeau, and Bruner were all prepared to drive the trucks. As Schultz stumbled around without the lights on, he tripped over several things. Deciding he'd caused enough commotion that Himmler had been awakened anyway, he turned on the lights - and saw nobody. After several moments, he ran out of the barn. "Herr...Herr Major..." he sputtered, "I beg to report...I mean..." 

Hogan rescued the sergeant. "You were right, Schultz, you said you figured he was never here." 

"I did?" Wait a minute, came the dumbfounded man, he's trying to help me, isn't he? "That is right, he is not here." 

"Sound the alarms," Hochstetter cried out, and suddenly every alarm in camp wailed, sentries came to attention, and a large number of dogs were released. "Herr Himmler has been kidnapped again!" Hochstetter marched toward the front gate, only to be met by Klink, still in his pajamas. 

Now incredibly tired and confused, Klink cried "what is happening here!" 

"Himmler has been kidnapped again," exclaimed Hochstetter. Hogan walked over to the trucks and gave the signal. No better time than now, he considered. 

Klink smiled. "I hate to interrupt, but that cannot be, Major. I just got off the phone with him a couple minutes ago." 

"Bah, just like when you supposedly talked to Hitler several months ago, only it was a traitor you let get away. Why should I believe you? Schultz, follow me, we are going to get to the bottom of this," he ordered. "No, wait, better yet, lock Klink up, he is under arrest." 

"For a kidnapping that never happened," came the head POW, but Hochstetter would not listen. He simply stomped away, insisting on finding whoever was responsible for this. Things had gotten so incredibly crazy in camp, Klink didn't care that Hogan was out of his barracks. 

Hochstetter and Hauptman sat in Klink's office arguing over strategy. Neither had taken more than a catnap. As afternoon wore on, the telephone rang. The first thing Hochstetter heard upon grabbing the phone was "Hochstetter, you idiot!" The voice was General Burkhalter's. 

"General...what is it?" 

Burkhalter was steaming as he phoned from Warsaw. "I just got off the phone with Herr Himmler, after speaking with the fuhrer himself. You have sent me on a wild goose chase," hollered the general. 

"But general, I..." 

"Ach tung! You and Colonel Hauptman are a disgrace! Himmler was never in any sort of danger, and neither was the fuhrer. They are both furious, and I myself cannot believe that I fell for it, even though I heard it firsthand! Whose idea was this, anyway!?" 

"Well, Colonel Hauptman originally said that Himmler was in grave danger..." 

"I suggest you place him under arrest then, as a precaution, Major. Or do I have to have Himmler come and do it himself?! Because if you come to Berlin and see him perhaps he will have calmed down, but if he has to come there heads will most certainly roll! And the fuhrer and Himmler say to be sure you bring those 64 prisoners with you, too, the families of Underground leaders, whom Hauptman ignored so as to send all of us on that goose chase." 

"Prisoners..." Hochstetter began slowly, "which ones were those again?" He glanced outside the window, extremely worried. 

"The ones in the trucks, you dumbkopf." 

The major nodded. How could he explain this one? He felt fortunate to have someone on who to blame all of this. "I see. Well, you see...how shall I put this..." 

"They are still there, aren't they?" The general sighed. He wished he hadn't been so harsh, he himself wished the Gestapo wouldn't be so intrusive and obnoxious. However, from the sounds of it his fuhrer considered this a most important group of prisoners. "I could care less about them, I am only lecturing you because I got chewed out over the phone by Himmler and the fuhrer for falling for yur stories about kidnappings, conspiracies, and other matters, such as a certain top secret factory which was mysteriously destroyed - by SS troops!" 

Hogan had received word from Kinch, who'd been listening in, that Burkhalter was really irate. He jogged over to the kommandant's office, listeining outside the door for just the right moment. He eavesdropped as Hochstetter remarked that "a few SS men said they were Hauptman's and were taking the trucks to Berlin...they left via the front gate hours ago. They are not in Berlin yet?" 

"No," came the general, and the major glared at Hauptman as he hung up the phone. 

Hochstetter had originally believed Hauptman had ordered the trucks to Berlin, but now? The Gestapo major rose slowly. "It seems, Herr Colonel, that we have a discrepancy in our stories." 

"I see, what is that, Major?" He seemed a little puzzled, but unworried. 

"Your story is full of conspiracies which never existed," declared the major, becoming more irate as he spoke. Even though he normally would not wish to lecture someone who outranked him, he'd had enough experience with Klink to be accustomed to inept colonels. "It is full of people who were never in any danger..." 

"But I heard Himmler being muffled; you heard his desparation yourself, you told me..." 

"All I heard was something which could easily have been...Hogan, get out," came the quick exhortation as Hogan walked into Klink's office, with Schultz trailing quickly. "These could have been your people posing over the phone." 

"Major, I assure you..." 

"Wait, there is more. A top secret rocket factory and research facility was destroyed by saboteurs last night, saboteurs I now learn were dressed as SS men..." 

"Surely you don't think..." 

"So that's why you told me about that factory," Hogan accused him, "trying to pin the blame on me, huh? Well, I was here the whole time, the major saw me in the office!" 

Schultz jumped on the bandwagon. "I never trusted that man!" Especially after he tried to shoot that child, the guard wanted to continue, then chose not to. 

Hogan smiled, looking at Hauptman. "It's amazing, you know Schultz would stop the trucks, so you order him shifted over to the barn where Himmler was staying..." 

"He was never in that barn," hollered the major. 

"Oh, absolutely not, it looked like nobody had ever been in it," exclaimed Schultz. 

Hogan tried to swipe a cigar, but Hochstetter was too quick to close the lid. Hauptman stood flabbergasted as Hogan spoke. "Right," came the American, "Schultz always suspected that, he said so himself. Hauptman concocted this clever ploy to discredit you, Major, because he was the one after Himmler's job." 

"But the man I spoke to said..." began the major. Yes, of course. "You were going to be his assistant, the man said," came the major, his gloves at Hauptman's chin now. "Except you would make it like Himmler had been killed, and then taken over yourself. Is that it, hmmm?" Hissing, the major shouted "answer me!" 

Hogan knew this would be touch and go - Schultz was pretty much off the hook, but it could appear Klink was in league with Hauptman. He offered this. "Kommandant Klink knew Schultz could be counted on to stop Hauptman, who was going to use Stlag 13 not just as an SS prison camp, but as his second headquarters after Berlin; Klink smelled that rat a mile away." 

"Oh, yes, I did, too," came the now-too-agreeable sergeant. Hochstetter quickly ordered him out to release Klink and bring him to the office. 

Hogan continued. "And of course, Hauptman could do all his sabotage from here, too, I guess he did some of it last night, from what you just said, and maybe that bridge wasn't a coincidence...." 

With Schultz gone, Hochstetter ignored the American, placing several calls to confirm that no problems had existed in Berlin. He also confirmed that the trucks hadn't arrived yet. As Schultz and Klink walked into the office, the major turned abruptly and said "what do you have to say for yourself, Klink?!" 

"Well, I..." About what - what in the world is happening here, he asked himself. 

Hogan intervened once more. "This man had Hauptman figured out all along, of course, he was just gathering information so he could use it at Hauptman's trial." 

"I was?" Klink reminded himself to simply trust Hogan, whom he turned to at bizarre times for his uncanny ability to get out of tough spots. "Yes, right, I was." 

If this wasn't enough, Hogan deduced, he would make like Klink had spoken to someone in Himmler's office and was reporting everything, except that Hochstetter didn't believe him when he said he'd just spoken to Himmler. Such a notion didn't need to be presented, however. 

Major Hochstetter couldn't believe the strange events which had occurred. However, much to his dismay, it appeared that Hauptman was the only one who could be blamed, and that in fact Klink and Schultz were just pawns. Even if he tried to entrap Klink, there was always Schultz's action preventing Hauptman from shooting. How could this have been done against such a traitor unless these men knew Hauptman was behaving treasonously? And, further, how could that not have been on Klink's orders, for the major sensed Schultz was even less competent than Klink. He could not have devised such a strategy of stopping a traitor on his own; something simple like knowing what children liked to play with - Schultz owned a large toy compeny before the war - was far different from such a complex scheme to catch a traitor. 

Yes, like it or not, he had no choice but to simply report Hauptman as the mastermind, and the others as innocents. What bugged him the most was that he saw no way even Hogan could be implcated in this mess. Except for being an annoyance, the American seemed to have no invovlement in any of it. 

"Colonel Hauptman, you are under arrest for treason; guards, take him away!" Several Gestapo agents entered and dragged Hauptman away, to take him to Gestapo headquarters. "Kommandant Klink, you may now resume your role as kommandant of this camp; seeing how the SS has handled this, I will strongly oppose any move here, as will General Burkhalter; with you, at least I only have a headache half the time. As for you, Hogan..." The major gritted his teeth. "For once you seem to have been uninvolved, but you just wait till next time." 

As Hochstetter stomped toward his car, considering how Himmler might react to a high-ranking SS man being such a treasonous individual, Klink - still in his pajamas, since he'd had no time to change - inched slowly into his seat. "Hogan...These have been the two most bizarre days of my life. And for the life of me, I cannot figure out what happened." 

Hogan successful swiped a cigar this time. "Look at it this way, Sir, Hauptman was unstable, you saw that first tantrum." Klink hummed an assent. "Obviously, when you get an insane person at the top, very odd things will happen." Klink nodded, with Hogan very tempted to allude to the crazy men at the head of Germany's govenrment. He ignored that, however; Klink had had enough annoyances for a whole year in the last couple days. 

"Perhaps you're right, Hogan," Klink surmised. "I wonder how he got there...Major Hochstetter never questioned it, so clearly he was not an imposter." 

Schultz smiled as he continued to stand at the door. "Maybe," the guard noted, "the Gestapo and the SS are filled with people who are a little bit cuckoo." Klink concurred. 

******* 

Afterward 

Hogan walked out of his barracks to see Schultz carrying a bag toward the gate. Mrs. Schultz awaited him standing next to a Mercedes - normally an unusual car for civilains to have. Of course, Hogan recalled Schultz owned the Schatzi Toy Company. "Schultz, what's up," Hogan called to him. 

The obese man walked over to the prisoner and insisted that "my wife said I am not to speak to you; you are not going to spoil my week's furlough." 

"A week!" I was hoping to convince Klink to give him some time off, then argue him up to three days, the head POW considered. "Why so long?" 

"Kommandant Klink says Himmler himself called him and told him how happy he was that I had helped stop a traitor, and that I was to be rewarded. The kommndant was going to give me a day or two, and then this morning, with my wife already coming, he suddenly told me to tell Gretchen I would be coming for a week." The guard skipped toward the car and got in, excited to see his kids again, and also to share the true saving faith he'd acquired, as opposed to the mere knowledge of God he'd had growing up. Something in him couldn't wait to take them to church the next day. 

Hogan scratched his head. He felt a little sorry for Schultz - rumors from London said that the Blue Baron, a military hero from World War One, was in the area; these had been told to Hogan to prepare him for a possible mission. If such tales were true, Schultz would be a little disappointed that he missed him. The Schultzes departed as Hogan continued onward to Klink's office. 

Happy that all 64 people were safely into Switzerland, the American decided to visit Kommandant Klink, anyway, if only because of somethng else, a paper one of his men had deposited on Helga's desk before the kommandant entered this morning. To his mild surprise, Klink greeted him with open arms as he barged into the German's office. "Ah, Colonel Hogan, you are just in time!" Klink waltzed over to his desk, where a copy of the Canton Repository lay. "I only had time to read the headline, but look." He held up the paper, and read "Allied prisoners of war stage record barn raising!" 

Hogan smiled politely. "Congratulations, Kommandant." 

Klink could have almost hugged his fellow officer, he was so happy. And, this was just the start of something wonderful, he deduced. "You were right, Hogan, soon every farmer in America will be takling about me." He couldn't wait for Hogan to look, and insisted upon reading the tiny article out loud. Klink cleared his throat and began reading merrily. " The prisoners of war at LuftStalag 13 in Germany engaged in a unique and record-setting pastime early this week. They erected a barn in an astounding five hours and 12 minutes under the watchful eye of their kommandant, Wilhelm Clink.' There's my name, Hogan, for all to see, C-L-I..." The komandant's face morphed from an immensely happy one to a greatly dismayed one, and he hollered at the newspaper as if it were a lousy soldier. "It's with a K', you dumbkopf, not a C'!" 

Hogan barely hid a smirk - he'd wanted to ensure Klink's head didn't swell too big. He knew he could probably still goad him into giving a three-day pass to Schultz after ths disappointment. He'd never expected Klink to react so swiftly, and so generously, at simply seeing the headline. I guess that's what sensing an audience of 200 million will do for such a vain man, he surmised. "All the best editors are fighting, I guess." 

Klink slapped the paper with the back of one hand. "Couldn't they have kept at least one back, now nobody will know how to spell my name!" 

The head POW offered this bit of solace. "They only got one letter wrong with you, you should see how they mangled Schmidt's name when he made it for Stalag 2's barn; his own mother didn't know it." 

Klink plopped the paper onto his desk and held out his hands. "But Schmidt is such a common name. My name is an aristocratic one which goes back hundreds of years!" 

"Well, Sir, I guess they just want to stick it to their enemies. Maybe somebody in Canton had a relative get shot down or something," came the amiable POW. 

"Perhaps." The kommandant moped back to his desk. 

Hogan shrugged. "Well, if you want you can always change your name after the war." 

"Hogan, you Americans may know about barns, but you do not know a thing about names, you are too democratic!" 

"And glad of it, Sir," Hogan noted. 

"An aristocratic name is something to be proud of, something where everyone looks at you, and you don't have to prove anything, you just say I am a Klink,' and presto, instant respect." Except most of his respect is imaginary, considered the American. 

Hogan stood in front of Klink's desk, feigning sincerity. It was sometimes hard for him to imagine how much ego one person could have. "Well, Sir, I guess I owe you an apology, apparently an American barn-raising wasn't the kind of thing that would make them want to know your name; but hey, I got you in the paper." 

Klink nodded slowly. "Yes, I suppose you did, in a way." 

"What you need is to do something which will make everyone want to make sure they remember your name, and spell it right..." He posed, as if deep in thought. Finally, the American snapped his fingers and exclaimed "I've got it!" 

Klink rose. "Yes, yes," he eagerly urged him. 

"Kill Hitler." Hogan continued as the German's ire increased. "The world would thank you for it." 

"Out," hollered Klink. 

"Every school child would know the man who got rid of the demon who caused World War Two spelled his name K-L-I-N-K." 

"Out," Klink exclaimed, standing and pointing at the door. 

"Hey, don't say I never gave you any ideas," Hogan commented as the irate kommandant sat heavily at his desk and stared at his misspelled name. 


End file.
